Month: August 2006

Alcoholism, knowledge, and awareness

Knowledge resides in my brain. I can mentally know something, I can comprehend the facts, etc.

Awareness is different. Some ways I can put my finger on this – but still this isn’t quite right – is I know something in my heart or to the depths of my soul.

For most of the years I drank I was knowledgeable about the fact that drinking was not the right thing for me to be doing. Yet I drank anyway. Time after time after time. As I continued to drink the consequences become more serious, it became more obvious that drinking was a bad thing to do, and I grew more powerless to stop.

The end of this debilitating progression came when I had a profound spiritual experience. One of the revolutionary changes in my thinking was an awareness of what drinking was bringing to my life. It was suddenly clear to me that my drinking was continually stripping away anything that was joyful or important to me. So much so that I could see there was little left to take away. As it says in the 12X12, alcoholism had become the rapacious creditor.

There was also an awakening to the fact my actions were increasingly suicidal. Everyone will someday die. The problem for me as an alcoholic was that I was increasing the chances that my demise would come sooner, rather than later. I could not stop drinking for any period of time and once I started drinking I had little control. I was therefore inebriated on a regular basis. Anything could happen when I was drunk, including adding to my long list of “bad decisions” I could and would make. I will only take this one drink, it is Ok for me to drive, I don’t need that person in my life, no one will know I took this….

Becoming aware of my drinking problem meant I now truly understood the implications of my taking a drink: when I drank I was always asking for trouble and if I did not stop it was likely I could make an irrevocable fatal mistake. My first day sober was spent in an intensive care unit of a hospital, after all, following a night that included having to be revived by someone administering me CPR.

My obsession appeared to have been lifted from me as a result of my spiritual experience but all this left me was stone cold sober – in other words I had nothing to cover up my fear, uncertainty, and hopelessness. I seemed to have a real sense that I could, eventually, drink again if I did not get help. What was I to do?

Once I had made it to AA I learned that my drinking problem was that I was an alcoholic. I may have reasoned this out before, in some remote parts of my brain, but I never had the clarity I now had. The Big Book and people in AA told me there was no middle of the road solution to my problem. Being convinced I was an alcoholic meant I could either go on to the bitter end with my drinking or accept spiritual help. Despite the fact my brain told me maybe I was different from everyone else (i.e. surely I could somehow find a way to not drink, manage my life, and not work the 12 steps), my newfound awareness was able to counter my insane thoughts. In my heart I now knew all my best efforts to take on my booze problem on my own would fail. It was clear I was powerless.

I had some hope and enough willingness, but still I was reluctant to work the steps. I did not have faith that all this AA stuff would solve what I thought to be my only real problem. Fortunately I had nothing else to fall back on so I gave it a try. My actions were one of desperation – if this AA stuff didn’t work I was probably screwed.

I was initially surprised to learn that AA was able to explain my alcoholism in a sensible way that fit with my newfound awareness of what was wrong. It answered questions I did not even know I had. Then I was surprised to learn that the solution, a program of action laid out in the 12 steps, not only solved my problem but also changed my life in some profound ways. Things got better!

Just as I once got used to the unexpected but inevitable bad turn of events that often resulted from my drinking, today I am used to having good things happen as a result of approaching my life from a spiritual, principled perspective. I have changed from being an athiest, to reasoning my way into agnosticism, to being aware that God plays a role in my life. Today I believe this awareness, and not my knowledge, is one of my greatest strengths.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AABlogger

The Quincy Bar

The Quincy bar. Right on Main street. A real-alcoholic refuge – a single door that opens onto the sidewalk and no windows anywhere. Perfect. If you were to go inside you wouldn’t know if it is day or night. No one can see that you are inside and, just as important, you can forget that there is an outside beyond your sheltered world.

This bar is one block away from a bagel shop that I frequent. At times I get to walk right by, often in the morning, and the bar door is usually propped open. Seemingly so they can air the place out a bit…and maybe so I can get a glimpse of the insanity that is only a bended elbow away. The smell of stale beer, stale people, and cigarettes wafts out as I pass.

The last few times I have passed by the Quincy there is something new happening. The state initiated new no-smoking laws and you can no longer smoke in a bar. Now I get to see little groups of hard core alcoholics hanging out in front of the Quincy. Wow. Such a bunch of hapless souls. The few people I have seen are not a pretty sight. Skinny, sullen, hunched over in a way that makes them look like they are shrinking, and faces that look like they are wearing many lifetimes upon them.

While it is chilling to see these folks, especially during the times when I exchange a word or two in passing, I am really grateful to see so starkly what things are like for some actively drinking alcoholics. Definitely not what I want. I’m so thankful for AA, my sobriety, the people I know that work at staying sober, and for those that have taught me to live my life on a spiritual basis.

I hope to see you in a meeting – and not smoking a cigarette while taking a short break from drinking in the Quincy bar.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

New Tires

I spend a lot of time taking my compact economy car to places where it would be better to be driving a four wheel drive SUV. I am a biologist and I do a lot of fieldwork, with my preference being to work in remote places. For the last few weeks I have needed to take my car somewhere to have some tire problems taken care of. I discovered one of my tires was low on air, which lead to finding it had a slow leak and that another tire had a bubble on its sidewall. Yesterday, when I was about 20 miles in on a gravel forest road, I noticed the leaker was almost flat. Today I finally was able to run some errands around town and I took the car to a tire shop. I was surprised to learn I needed two new tires but I paid the bill and happily drove away.

What does this have to do with sobriety? For me, a lot. I am sober today and can be responsible (except for driving around with two slightly wonky tires for a few weeks!), I can be proactive about things like making sure my car is safely maintained and I even have money to pay for things like car tires. Taking the type of action I did today was way out of my league of possibilities when I was drinking. I had tires blowout on me because I would ride them as long as they held air. Little or no tread, some radial wires sticking out of the sidewall – that was fine with me. When I would finally have no choice but to buy a new tire I was always resentful that I had to spend that money. Sure I needed to get around but how come tires didn’t last longer? How come new tires are so expensive? And on and on.

The fact of the matter was I simply hated to part with any money to pay for things like tires, insurance, or anything to do with my car. I wanted to spend more money on getting what I wanted – booze, drugs, and cigarettes. You see drinking a lot on a regular basis wasn’t leading to my having great success in life. I would try to save for things but I never seemed to have any money left before the next time I got paid. I couldn’t even plan well enough for my regular monthly expenses. Buying new tires meant I would be short of money. This would literally cut into what I had available for obtaining my trinity of necessities. Consequently I would get angry even when I paid my regular bills. The rent, the phone, even the price of food irked me when I was short of cash.

Being sober, responsible, and having what I really need is so much different. I take care of my part, like showing up at the tire store when I notice there is a problem, and the rest seems to take care of itself.

Now I am less likely to get stuck in some out of the way place. I am also not mad that some money I had in the bank went towards allowing me to keep doing my fieldwork. Life is just a much better bargain being sober.

All the best in sobriety,
AABlogger