It is difficult for a newly sober alcoholic to be honest. Doing so is a real act of courage. For me dishonesty was a way of life and an ingrained habitat.
I often lied whether I needed to or not. I thought it was best to hide who I was, from others and from myself. Even if I did not need to take advantage of someone at the moment, if they did not know what I was really about this might put me in the best position take advantage of them at some future time. Lying was part of who I was, a strategy to survive, and a mechanism to keep me from not seeing how insane my drinking was.
Being honest was plain scary…
-I could not drink safely? I did not know how to live without drinking. What was I going to do now?
-I was not able to manage my life as well as I thought? With my poor ability to seek counsel about my affairs, I could only wonder as to what was to become of me if I could not figure out what to do on my own.
-How I lived and acted played a large part in that foreboding gloom that hung over me when I was not drinking? A tough blow, considering I always wanted to blame anything or anybody for all of my seeming misfortunate and bad luck.
An interesting thing about becoming more honest was that every truth that came up and out provided an opportunity. I was daring to challenge my bad habitats, faulty logic, and shaky rules I had lived by. If I believed I could not safely drink – what then were my real options? If I was the author of my own misery – what could I do to start to contribute to my creating a better life? AA showed me there were answers to these questions I had and problems I faced.
Most of this daring honesty started by looking at my self deception. As I began to face up to the reality of what I had become, and let a few people I came to trust help me, I was then better able to apply my honesty to my dealings with others.
When I was drinking I had learned to be a con, a liar, and a cheat. Not all the time with everybody but my psyche was definitely imbued with ideas about how I could get by, over, and through obstacles in the way that was easiest for me. This generally did not include considering anyone else in my plans other than in how they could help me. Today I can plainly write these words and know that was the truth. Thankfully I do not live that way anymore. Working the steps and not drinking has worked wonders on bringing my thinking around to wanting to be honest, rather than a deceptive jerk that disregards who and what is around me. My life has also been changed by my seeking out the companionship of healthy people who are striving to live a principled, good life.
It took a lot of honesty back then to dare myself to change large parts of my life. This process still continues today. Alcoholics Anonymous has provided me with many tools and the support I need to continue living this way. At first it was really hard to be honest and it probably took the most courage when I was just starting out. Today it is may be more challenging to be honest when it comes to looking at my own life, rather than just being hard to do, because my life is not such an obvious mess. Fear still plays its part in holding me back in looking at certain areas of my life but I do have my faith to fall back on. Even so, my quirks and shortcomings are more nuanced, my life is more comfortable, and in some ways I don’t feel the pressure of desperation pushing me to change like I once did. One day at a time I keep trying to be honest and dare to root out those things that hold me back from being happy, joyous, and free.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger