My First AA meeting Part 2

Following up from an earlier post My first AA meeting

My new AA sponsor had me commit to saying I would go to a meeting every night for a year. This was way beyond what I often heard said in meetings – “90 meeting in 90 days” – for someone who is new to sobriety. No one in AA can tell anyone what to do…..but I was sure open for all the advice I could get at about that time. I had become convinced that I had few good ideas about how to live my life or get better. I had, after all, only succeeded in tearing my life down by putting forth my best efforts.

Like my experiences in group counseling at the treatment facility, I was often surprised by what people were talking about in meetings. I had not know that other people had such things happen to them, or felt the way I did, or held some of the same strange beliefs as me. There was also laughter that went along with some of the things people said. Both the laughter and the how I was connecting with what people were saying were a big help in getting me to keep going back to meetings.

I was still scared to say much myself and that was just fine. I could still show up at the same meetings week after week. People would say hello or strike up a conversation before and after the meeting, especially if they had seen more before. Nobody was pushy, seemed to want to take advantage of me in any way, or really did anything that I could find objectionable. I was by no means effusive but I was starting to get to know some people. All of these things also helped me to be able to keep going to meetings night after night.

I did not understand that much about the steps but clearly God was all through them. A lot of people also talked about a higher power when they talked about their recovery. I did not believe in God at that time but fortunately nobody was pushy about this either.

One odd things for me at the time (akin to the fact that I knew I needed help, that I was willing to go to meetings, that I asked someone to be my sponsor, etc.) was that I was calling my sponsor every day. I did not always talk to him because he traveled for work and was not always around (no cell phones back then) but when I did I would often tell him a lot of stuff and also listen to what he had to say. I seemingly had no good reason to open up to him yet I would regularly tell him things that I was thinking about or how I was feeling. This type of information was the shit I would never talk to anyone about in the past. He had plenty of pointed advice and suggestions. Some of this was in response to what I was telling him and some was part of what he wanted me to do in order to move towards getting sober. He seemed like a genius to me at the time, in part because I was so screwed up that many of my ideas were truly stupid. I would even, oddly, do what he suggested most of the time. This whole process got reinforced by the good results that happened when I did what I was told. Going to meetings, taking my sponsor’s direction, and beginning to work the steps were all working having a lot of positive effects.

One of my sponsors suggestions was that I should go to more Alcoholics Anonymous meetings than Cocaine Anonymous meetings. Being a drunk and having abused cocaine it did not seem to matter that much where I went. I did actually feel more comfortable in a CA meeting than an AA meeting. This was part of why AA was a wiser choice, as my sponsor explained. CA had not been around that long so there were not a lot of people with long term sobriety. In a CA meeting, compared to an AA meeting, there was not as much of a focus on how to work the 12 steps and hence how to get and live sober. I was not so intimidated being in a roomful of people like that – they were just like me. Instead what I needed was to be around more people that were once like me. AA had a lot more people going to meetings that had gotten sober and were different. They had their life together like I needed to get mine together.

I am not knocking CA, this made some sense to me and I was also just doing what I was told would likely be best. That was also 19 years ago and CA had not been in existence very long back then.

I just about did go to a meeting a day for a year. I think I may have missed two days. By the end of that first year I had worked the steps, my life totally changed, and I was living my life sober. Enough of my fear had gone that I could interact with people a lot better. I would regularly chair meetings and speak to lead a meeting if I was asked. AA had become so much a part of my life that I wanted to go and enjoyed meetings most of the time.

It is hard for me to believe that it was almost 20 years ago that I went through those experiences. I had heard so much about the good things that could happen if you stayed sober. It has been true for me and most days I can easily realize how blessed I am. For today and for all of those sober yesterdays. I don’t ever want to be that scared person I was, afraid to even talk to people that could potentially help me.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger