I needed to learn a lot about discipline and courage when I was first getting sober. It was not that I did not know anything about these two things, I just had no notion of being virtuous. The same could be said about what I knew and acted on in regards to many other things like respect, responsibility, etc.
Learning to carry out my actions in accord with what I have come to understand as being moral, or good, or righteous is one of the most important lessons the steps have taught me. To put some of what I will be writing about in context I should
start by presenting an explanation of what virtue means to some:
1. What is virtue? A virtue is the habit of doing good.
2. Why do we say virtue is a habit? It is a firm attitude. It is a way of life. It governs our actions. It guides our conduct by thinking and by faith.
3. How does virtue help us? Virtue brings joy. It helps us govern ourselves. It brings comfort and peace.
4. How do I learn virtue? I pray for the virtue. I learn about virtue. I practice virtue. I follow through and I stick with it. I am not a moral quitter.
These ideas offer an interesting counter to how I practiced, say, courage and discipline in my life before I got sober.
First in regards to courage. It is said that courage is not an absence of fear but a willingness to walk through your fear. I would do a lot of things I was really afraid to do in order to get, or to make sure I would have the means to get, alcohol and drugs. I don’t need to go into a long drunkalogue about all that other than to say that my actions included doing some things that were obviously foolish and dangerous. At times I literally risked my life to get what I so strongly desired. My actions were at times courageous but they were not virtuous. Little of what I did was carried out with any intent to help others nor would it enable me to gain anything that was truly good. I got some relief but little else.
I also became increasingly craven in facing situations that were much more important than finding another drink. These other situations were no less scary to me than those “gotta-get-that-drink” actions I courageously walked through. I would do what it took to get another drink but would run as far and fast as I could from real life. For instance I found it increasingly difficult to have honest conversations with others, let alone be proactive and take simple steps like asking someone for help with something I did not know about. The proverbial “they” might think I was dumb, or weak, or not able to take care of myself. So I would drive through a snowstorm to get to the liquor store or walk through a bad part of the South Bronx but I was afraid to let someone I knew help me with even the most trivial thing.
I could also go on about how much discipline I could sometimes muster. This was of course usually directed towards my slavish desire to be able to drink and drug like I wanted to. I could wait for hours for a dealer, would be obstinate about getting my way if it meant I could drink like I wanted, and would do all kinds of things that only made sense to a deluded fool like myself.
Things changed when they absolutely had to for me. Self preservation was a big part of this, for sure, but I finally acted out of (my normally bad) character and did something good for a change. I did not want to get over on anyone, have someone take care of things for me, or any of that when I asked for help on that first day I started on this journey of sobriety.
I learned about being less self-centered and more virtuous out of necessity. This came to me through an experience called working the 12 steps. Not that I wanted to learn these lessons….as it says in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions: Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect – unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
I was told I should work the steps and by taking the actions they required I began to experience how my life could be different. Low and behold acting virtuously held rewards that my immoral, unrighteous mind would not have thought possible. I learned to apply some of the courage and discipline I had used to get another drink to other actions. Doing what the steps called no matter what, for instance, and instead of running from facing my life being courageous and walking through my fear.
I had no idea that I was learning to be virtous in those days but boy how things have changed. The clueless, spiritually-bereft person that I once was now only exists as a small withered part of me. That fool that I once was could become strong again if I start drinking again, I am sure, but today he is overshadowed by other parts of me that I have nurtured through practicing being virtuous.
Today I am guided by spiritual principles and understand that striving to live right can be both challenging and rewarding. I can read about virtue and want my life to be more infused with morality than to want to protect and staunchly defend some of my less noble motivations. Even so, I still have plenty of the latter, despite a lot of effort taken over the past nineteen years. Fortunately I can also see that I have come a long way in my life, in how I understand myself, in how I handle myself, in what motivates me, and in how I act. One day at a time I can work at being full of things such as hope, faith, and love, with an understanding of what these actually mean, and move closer to person I want to be.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger
I should mention the numbered bullets above that I used to define virtue are borrowed from “A Brief Catechism on Virtue.” While I do not belong to the Catholic church, I find the information on this page to be profoundly helpful in working the eleventh step.