Yesterday morning I went to see my doctor about a number of health problems. Individually my physical challenges generally do not ruin my day. Some of these problems are more serious than others though and I do have to be careful with how I deal with how my health influences my mental, physical, and spiritual state. One easy check against my getting into self-pity or fear about this stuff is to recognize that the only reason I am able to get older and face some of these physical problems is because God and AA were able to help me quit drinking. I could be dead and not be blessed with an opportunity to experience any part of my life, good or bad.
Anyway, in seeing my doctor I had to deal with all my big and small health issues all at once. Then I went to work and dealt with my responsibilities there. It was a little bit of a stressful day but nothing extraordinary. In the early evening I left work, riding my bicycle, and got on my way to my step study meeting. It is my longest ride of the week, about 45 minutes. I ride right through downtown Houston and through a lot of different neighborhoods. Run down, downtown, upscale, you name it. After riding for awhile I was able, without really thinking about it, to shed my more harried work state-of-mind and get more in tune with being in the moment. I was able to just observe the traffic, smell whatever odors were wafting through the air, and notice the trees that I was riding past.
Getting more in tune with the here and now, I became aware that I seemed to be feeling a bit glum. In thinking about why this might be I realized that seeing my doctor had made more worried, which in turn had led me to be fearful. I had also been diligently working hard on a project at work that had been keeping me very busy for days. This was becoming increasingly problematic because the project I was working on only had a small chance of bearing any useful fruit. The more time I was spending on that task, the more aggravated I was becoming.
Both of these insights into my mental and emotional life were somewhat surprising but I saw them in more of an abstract rather than emotional way. With this detached point of view I was able to see that my work problem was kind of like an extension of my spiritual life. I had been operating on faith that my work of the last few days was what I needed to be doing. I simply needed to finish it, let it be what it would, and not be attached to the outcome. I instantly felt much better about that situation.
The problems concerning my health were just as simple. It was clear to me that going to the doctor and talking about my health had stirred up my emotions. There are fears I can easily fall into when I am not careful about dealing with issues surrounding my mortality, well being, and everyday comfort. In the end I can either give into the fear and let it get the best of me or I can decide my sense of what I see as my suffering is something I can choose not to dwell on. Faith or fear, the choice is always mine to make. I choose to recognize and be grateful for: my doctor being very helpful, that I have health insurance, that there are actions I can take to try to improve my situation, and that right now my physical problems are relatively minor. They might be worse tomorrow, when my jobs end in June I may no longer have health insurance, etc. but I should deal with those things when they happen.
For now I think I am just glad to be sober.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger