Fear, inventory, and insight

One of my most persistent problems is a seeming reluctance to bring the spiritual principles I have learned to some areas of my work life. It has been frustrating because while I am well aware that this is a problem, my progress in this area has been slow and plodding. I know the twelfth step instructs me to apply the principles I have learned in all my affairs and it is clear my life would improve greatly if I could let God into this part of my life more.

I believe I bear the brunt of my problem the most when I am working on my own projects. Interactions with others at work are not the issue, just my perceptions of how some off these interactions may work out. Getting my work done and my fears associated with this process are the crux of the matter.

I feel like I made a big breakthrough the other day, getting some amazing insight into my fear. Here is the story of how this came about and my reactions.

Two people I used to work with are currently at odds. One is a boss and the other is a hired hand. I do not like the boss very much, considering he is self-centered and can be quite inconsiderate. It is sad because he has lots of “isms” but since he is not a drunk, he does not have an outlet for getting any relief from himself! When I did work with this man on a daily basis I had to do what I was taught; see him as a sick person, treat him as I would a sick friend, and pray that I could be of service to him in the best way possible. My interactions with him presented many opportunities for growth. This fellow is currently driving this other person to their wits end because as he falls into fearful, manic states – and he is apparently in the midst of a bad one now – he viciously takes things out on those around him.

My problem was I had a lot of anger come up when I heard about this situation. In inventorying about this anger it was not a surprise to find that part of the problem was I did not like what this jerk was doing to this other person, whom I happen to like. The interesting part came when I tried to understand not only my current anger but how this fellow had made me angry in the past, especially when we were around each other on a fairly regular basis.

I discovered that a type of fear I have noticed comes up from time to time for me plays a lot bigger role in my work life than I had ever imagined. It comes down to this: I am afraid that I will do something wrong in my work, that it will be readily apparent to someone else, and that I will be rejected because of my mistake. Low self-esteem and a fear I won’t be accepted. This man I was angry at is unreasonable, negative, and most importantly strongly tweaked my fear because he is capable of finding fault where there is none. This magnified my problem and made me react very negatively.

One character defects that arises when I get caught up in my work related fear is to work more. That will fix it! Me, me, me….what a horrible solution and yet I have done this many a time.

The answer to my problem is spelled out, quite concisely, in the part of the the big book where it explains how to take inventory. A paragraph that comes right after discussing how we examine our fears (we asked ourselves why we had them – wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?):
“Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely upon Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity.”

It goes on to talk about how we do not need to make any excuses for relying upon God. Then:
“We ask him to remove our fear and to direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we begin to outgrow fear.”
I find it very interesting that the prayer is one of asking what we should “be” rather than what we should do.

In the end this issue for me comes down to a lack of faith. I know I have not be able to bring God into my work problems very much. After talking to someone about my inventory concerning these issues, I thankfully had it pointed out to me this leads right into sixth and seventh step work…..am I ready for give God all of my crap or are there things I am unwilling to let go of? Why I would want to keep this fear is not something I can put my finger on but clearly I have been holding onto it. My hope is that it is time for me to get rid of this idea that I am not, or perhaps will not be perceived as, good enough.

I am excited that this revelation may be the beginning of me getting on the other side of this weakening, self-centered delusion. I know from experience that when I am able to let go of something that causes me larger problems there are surprising and wonderful results that arise from completely letting go and letting God.

It works, it really does.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

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