As happens too often, someone that asked me to sponsor them has gone away. Don (as mentioned in this post about sponsorship) decided he needed to try to do find his own way to sobriety. My own sponsor said it best “why do you need to find something else, this works well for a lot of people!”
The thinking and reasoning of this guy was classic. I was almost dumbfounded by what he told me as things were quickly unravelling.
First was Don’s stopping doing some basic things he had told me he would do if I was to sponsor him. I called him out on this stuff and told him he needed to make a decision if he would do those things or not. He said he needed to think about it. Within a few days fired me, saying he did not want to do those things and that he needed to do his own thing.
He explained how he knew some guy in AA that had long term sobriety and worked his “own” program. The steps he didn’t like this guy simply ignored. How well did he know this other guy? Someone else he sort of knew in AA had told him about him. So he was going to go to a meeting this fellow went to and see if he could talk to him.
Great “lets go get drunk idea.” So there are lots of people around that are sober and talk about how the steps brought them sobriety. Out of this, pick one guy that did it differently and say that is what I want to do. What worked for one person, not what is apparently working for a whole bunch of people.
The most crazy thing of all was this one line he told me.
I want to try to find my own way of doing this AA program.
His own way. He called me a few times after he fired me. He was growing increasingly irritable, restless and discontent. Don was also getting more and more scared. At one point he decided he needed to do what I had suggested and said it would be good if I would sponsor him again. That was the next to last day that I heard from him. It has been a few weeks. He is not at meetings. He has not kept in touch. Is he drinking? I hope not but it does not look good.
I am so glad that I once came to the realization that my best ideas were killing me. This was a very important change in my thinking that allowed me to get sober. I was then teachable and open minded. I thought a lot of these AA things would not work but was willing to entertain that I could be wrong. I was. Completely.
I refuse to pretend that I know what is better for anyone but myself. People with alcohol on the brain can be warped mentally, all I tell them is “don’t drink and your thinking may clear”. The tradition states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. You do not have to raise your hand as an alcoholic to belong. You do not have to do anything at all, if someone wants to “try to find their own way of doing this AA program” I say great! That is exactly what I did and now have 13 years sober. Much of what is said in AA is questionable anyway. For example, I just heard a speaker say that he had handouts on “teaching men to cry” and “making amends to a fetus killed by his payment for abortion”. This sort of thing alienates normal people from AA and separates them from an opportunity for help. You do not have to find a higher power, clean house , or be of service to stop drinking. These are suggested as tools that can help if you choose to use them.
I do believe there is a difference between someone stopping drinking and someone working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
When someone who is in AA and has not worked the steps asks me to sponsor them, I feel obliged to try to help them work through the steps. Precisely because I cannot get or keep anyone sober. AA meetings are not a clear path to sobriety, nor is standing on your head, or whatever. If you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous it states that the book will lay out precisely how the first group of AA members got sober. The book discusses the steps as the solution, not attendance at meetings.
The primary purpose of an AA meeting is to carry the message that the twelve steps are a solution to an alcoholic’s drinking and living problem. This is not a suggestion. It is the point of having an AA meeting. How do I know this? It is written about in AA literature. It is discussed at district meetings. It is clearly stated in our traditions.
Not understanding this, and telling people that the steps are a suggestion, is something that can keep an alcoholic from an opportunity for help. If that alienates normal people from AA that is fine. AA is here to help the alcoholic not a normal person.
Someone talking about other issues besides the steps, men crying or whatever, are doing just that – they are talking about issues and opinions that have nothing to do with what AA meetings are designed to do (see above about the primary purpose). And clearly this happens at meetings all the time. Its unfortunate but hey, AA is for drunks and drunks have a lot of problems, issues and opinions.
If anyone wants to just hang around AA, and it helps them not drink, that is fine. I am just not wanting to sponsor them if they are do not want to work the AA program of action. I have seen a lot of people die from this disease. Most of them were doing their “own thing” when it came to trying to get or stay sober. I have also known many people that have been sober for years and some of these people are good friends of mine. The majority of people I know with long term sobriety have worked the steps. A few have not. I am glad all of them are sober, however they got here and however they continue to stay clean.
I can respect anyone’s decision to choose their own path, and sincerely hope they stay clean doing whatever they want to do. I would also hope that others respect my path (I’m not pushing it on anyone) and realize that I feel I cannot help anyone with their sobriety other than with helping them by dealing with what I know works well. So whenever anyone asks me to sponsor them I ask them to meet with me and I use our first meeting to explain where I am coming from. If they want to work the steps, I can help them try to do that. If they want to do something else they are free to do that too but I won’t be their sponsor. I do also tell people that I think the steps are a good way to get sober but they are perhaps not the only way.
I realize this is different from how you feel ann n. Perhaps you can be helpful to someone that does not want to work the steps. I’m not sure though, as you say you feel that being of service to others is not really an important part of stopping drinking.
I don’t sponsor anyone, I am responsible for myself. It takes a lot more than a sign that says “when anyone anywhere” to get me to take responsibility for someone else or take every AA commitment that rolls along. Just wait untill some sponsee that you have “helped” hits the skids and comes over make you responsible for their failure.
For me there is good and bad in AA. The good parts are principals that I use carefully and in moderation. The bad are the controling statements, generalized slogans, platitudes, exclusion for non conformity, dangerous criticism made in a tone of irreprochable correctness, projection of experience, alanon tools used as weaponry, pink cloud convention speakers, anyone that tells a newcomer that it will get better, special Pacific groups, the force feeding of GOD, etc.
Just thought I would chime in here.I have long term sobriety in AA and I have seen many people “Do it their own way”. I have no opinion on this,same as with outside issues. I learned early on it is a “Save your own ass program” Who am I to tell someone that they are just dry or that they are not spiritually sober? I only know what worked for me. What I have noticed about many folks with years of sobriety is that they are no longer teachable themselves,they are in permanent teach mode. They don’t feel that they should listen, just advise, frequently on issues they are not qualified to address. Maybe us so called “Old Timers ” should get into action and be more of service to AA. I am not talking about being a guru and giving lectures,I am talking about doing the dirty work that we always tell newcomers to do.Let’s put our money where our mouths are. I have also seen lots of people with time who don’t have jobs, they are supported by a spouse or worse, the government.I would think they would realize this is against the seventh tradition which states we are fully self supporting etc.
There is a part in the book which talks about when we were drinking we wanted the world to be our stage and we would run the show, and
as sober AA’s we had to learn a new way of life.Does that mean when we have years of sobriety we are cleared to run a sponsees life and tell them what to do?
Don’t get me wrong,I love AA and I have made many friends in it.
I just wish we would practice what we are constantly attempting to shove down the newcomer’s throat.
I have found that trying to help others go through the steps, for those that want to do that, is one of a number of great things to keep me honest in AA. Working with a sponsee, with an intent of trying to be helpful and not simply to tell someone what to do, is an extremely humbling endeavor. I learn a lot from these experiences. It causes me to have to do things like pray for guidance, examine my motives and look hard at how I may or may not be doing what the steps have taught me to try and do – trust God, clean house and help others.
As part of this too is I need to have a sponsor myself. Me sponsoring others and not having a sponsor would be rough. I think doing things that way might start me down a path of thinking I know it all.
I never want to become one of those old time guru’s, making pronouncements at meetings about how things are or should be. There are a few of these gurus in some of the meetings I attend now. I try to say hello and be friendly to them, in part because they are all elderly folks and don’t have many AA friends. Their attitude alienates a lot of people and while I don’t especially like much of what they say or how they say it, I do try to practice love and tolerance of others.
Few wear their program like a loose garment.
Most are more comfortable in a big diaper.
In the evolution of the member many end up at a spot of absolute correctness that is nothing more than a programmed tool kit of experiential claims honed through years of debate. Typically this hyper correct person is beyond reproach and has a positive affirmation at the ready for every obstacle.
Daily new people show up at meetings that are driven away by talk of God, rigid instruction, self righteous claims, and social criticisms. I get to decide what parts of the program are important to my preservation , and what parts are being taken out of context or don’t work for me.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
These are the steps which are suggested as a program of recovery.
We realize we know only a little.