Being outside in a natural environment can be a powerful way for me to connect with my higher power. I choose to become a biologist partially because it was a way for me to be in places like the desert I have been working in for the past month. I get out early in the morning as the sun is coming up over the mountains. The morning chill begins to leave the air and the shifting sunlight changes the feel of the landscape. A good way to start my day. My morning consists of walking around and recording the data I need for my research. I spend a lot of time looking down at the ground and often get caught up in what I am doing. Then I have a pleasant surprise when I look up and have my perspective change – from one of intently working to my soul taking a deep breath. I suddenly become aware of the beauty all around me and a wave of serenity washes over me.
I used to search for these kinds of frame shifting experiences in a bottle. Today they come as part of living how the steps have taught me to live.
Yesterday morning was a little different. The desert was just fine but my mind was not. I had a meeting with two of my bosses a few days ago and we discussed our summer agenda. I started to lay out a time line in my head about when I would be able to do my projects. Since I work alone, there was little to disrupt my thoughts. I began to worry and before I knew it I was absolutely obsessed with negative ideas.
I have come to learn that the basis for most of my fear is insecurity. I can often trace most of my troubles to a belief that I can summarize as “if everything in my life were in order then I will be fine.” This belief leads me to obsessive behaviors, trying to arrange things (be it writing, making a web page, trying to get my things together when I leave the house, etc.) so they are just right. I am futilely acting out in perfect accord with my faulty belief.
The steps have worked wonders to improve this part of my life. I now understand there are lots of things in my life I cannot manage. My faith does often wax and wane though, as I am still just human. At my best I have a deep knowing that God is with me and all is well with the world. Everything is fine regardless of what I can do or do not do to keep my life in order. Imagine that, I am not in control of the universe! Not surprisingly my fears can be stirred by failing to regularly cultivate my spirituality. It is also true that I can sometimes just have a bad day.
Yesterday was somewhere inbetween, a bad morning and playing in places inside my head that are not good for me to be. Worrying about what “I” have to accomplish and how I will not be able to get things done. It was awhile before I realized my head was dwelling on negative thoughts, which of course was stirring up plenty of bad feelings. I was thinking about all I had to get done this summer, feeling it was not possible (maybe true), and then having all kinds of resentments against my bosses (how can they be so unreasonable!). The reality is that I will get done whatever I can and I need to talk to my bosses about my concerns. They have demanded nothing, other than we talked about what we would like to get accomplished. In realizing what my head was doing I immediately began to work to change things.
Maybe the serenity prayer would help…..God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Five minutes later I realized I was back to my obsessive thinking. I stopped and took in my beautiful surroundings. A few minutes of relief and right back to the land of negativity. Whatever I tried to do to shut it off, it just would not stop.
There is a noon meeting in the city I live in and I realized it would be good for me to leave work in time to get to the meeting. I arrived just as the meeting was beginning. Some of the meeting preliminaries include asking if there is anyone who is within a few days of their last drink. Someone I knew, who had been out drinking for about six months, raised his hand and said he was just coming back. I had not even recognized him when I had sat down and looked around the room. It really made me happy to see this guy. I knew from a few reports from other people that his return to drinking had not been going very well.
When the chairperson asked if anyone had a topic I spoke up and reported what was going on with me. The meeting finished an hour later and I felt a lot better. Most of what had been said in relation to what I had shared were all things I had tried, considered, or realized while I was out in the desert trying to shut off my obsessive negative thinking. Yet hearing it again at the meeting was just what I needed. I also had a living example put in front of me of what is really important. The fellow who was returning after some hard drinking had talked about how bad it was to have gone out.
I have the day off today and feel a lot better. I called my friend that is just coming back and plan to see him at the noon meeting. I imagine things are just as they need to be in the desert this morning and hope that this proves true when I return back to work tomorrow morning.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AAblogger