Category: AA experiences

It was read out of the Big Book and discussed in the meeting I went to this evening.

It is always nice for me to hear: Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up we ask God to at once to remove them.
When I read things like this I usually have one of two reactions.

Tonight I was thinking about how I have lately been getting pretty consumed with work (a personal favorite – with fear and selfishness driving that boat for me). Then while I was at work I had a chance meeting with a colleague that I do not like and in talking with her I understand she was getting into a very busy week. I offered, as part of my prayers have lately included pleas to be of service, to help her if she needed anything. That led to my agreeing to a two hour committment to do something for her over the next few days. Then she came back to see me 10 minutes later to tell me she was in a jam. Her husband (and one of my bosses) was stranded at the airport. The airport he was at had cancelled all the flights to the city he was trying to get to. The solution was for me to go pick him up and take him to another airport. I not much of a problem for me to do this, I was glad I had told her I could help her in our earlier conversation. Part of being fine with it is I knew this was part of the answer to my prayers. I was getting out of myself.

This ties into the 10th step for me because I can read that part of the big book, check what it has to say against where I am at, and today find that I must be doing plenty of right things. My latest work-induced run into self centerdness has not gotten that far out of hand yet. I was able to say I want to help, an opportunity arose, and I did what I was supposed to.

A much different, and the second kind, of perspective I can take away from reading this step sometimes is much different. I can come across that part of the book and it is a huge revelation. This is an attitude of “why does this make so much sense right now, and yet I seem to have forgotten so much of what this says to do” – for this past day or week or perhaps even longer! That is when I know I need to start taking some action, as the step says, and stop resting on my laurels.

I wish I was a person that could read something like the pages about the 10 and 11th step in the morning and actually have it stick in my consciousness throughout the day. But that just doesn’t happen for me. Fortunately I have been through enough AA stuff that I can be surprising well on a lot of days, and doing what I am supposed to be doing, with little prompting. So there is plenty that is working right. In some ways I am doing what the book says, even when I am not paying that much attention. These habitats have become somewhat engrainged. I am glad too, because I am told these things over and over. The brainwashing is working!

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Knowledge resides in my brain. I can mentally know something, I can comprehend the facts, etc.

Awareness is different. Some ways I can put my finger on this – but still this isn’t quite right – is I know something in my heart or to the depths of my soul.

For most of the years I drank I was knowledgeable about the fact that drinking was not the right thing for me to be doing. Yet I drank anyway. Time after time after time. As I continued to drink the consequences become more serious, it became more obvious that drinking was a bad thing to do, and I grew more powerless to stop.

The end of this debilitating progression came when I had a profound spiritual experience. One of the revolutionary changes in my thinking was an awareness of what drinking was bringing to my life. It was suddenly clear to me that my drinking was continually stripping away anything that was joyful or important to me. So much so that I could see there was little left to take away. As it says in the 12X12, alcoholism had become the rapacious creditor.

There was also an awakening to the fact my actions were increasingly suicidal. Everyone will someday die. The problem for me as an alcoholic was that I was increasing the chances that my demise would come sooner, rather than later. I could not stop drinking for any period of time and once I started drinking I had little control. I was therefore inebriated on a regular basis. Anything could happen when I was drunk, including adding to my long list of “bad decisions” I could and would make. I will only take this one drink, it is Ok for me to drive, I don’t need that person in my life, no one will know I took this….

Becoming aware of my drinking problem meant I now truly understood the implications of my taking a drink: when I drank I was always asking for trouble and if I did not stop it was likely I could make an irrevocable fatal mistake. My first day sober was spent in an intensive care unit of a hospital, after all, following a night that included having to be revived by someone administering me CPR.

My obsession appeared to have been lifted from me as a result of my spiritual experience but all this left me was stone cold sober – in other words I had nothing to cover up my fear, uncertainty, and hopelessness. I seemed to have a real sense that I could, eventually, drink again if I did not get help. What was I to do?

Once I had made it to AA I learned that my drinking problem was that I was an alcoholic. I may have reasoned this out before, in some remote parts of my brain, but I never had the clarity I now had. The Big Book and people in AA told me there was no middle of the road solution to my problem. Being convinced I was an alcoholic meant I could either go on to the bitter end with my drinking or accept spiritual help. Despite the fact my brain told me maybe I was different from everyone else (i.e. surely I could somehow find a way to not drink, manage my life, and not work the 12 steps), my newfound awareness was able to counter my insane thoughts. In my heart I now knew all my best efforts to take on my booze problem on my own would fail. It was clear I was powerless.

I had some hope and enough willingness, but still I was reluctant to work the steps. I did not have faith that all this AA stuff would solve what I thought to be my only real problem. Fortunately I had nothing else to fall back on so I gave it a try. My actions were one of desperation – if this AA stuff didn’t work I was probably screwed.

I was initially surprised to learn that AA was able to explain my alcoholism in a sensible way that fit with my newfound awareness of what was wrong. It answered questions I did not even know I had. Then I was surprised to learn that the solution, a program of action laid out in the 12 steps, not only solved my problem but also changed my life in some profound ways. Things got better!

Just as I once got used to the unexpected but inevitable bad turn of events that often resulted from my drinking, today I am used to having good things happen as a result of approaching my life from a spiritual, principled perspective. I have changed from being an athiest, to reasoning my way into agnosticism, to being aware that God plays a role in my life. Today I believe this awareness, and not my knowledge, is one of my greatest strengths.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AABlogger

Being outside in a natural environment can be a powerful way for me to connect with my higher power. I choose to become a biologist partially because it was a way for me to be in places like the desert I have been working in for the past month. I get out early in the morning as the sun is coming up over the mountains. The morning chill begins to leave the air and the shifting sunlight changes the feel of the landscape. A good way to start my day. My morning consists of walking around and recording the data I need for my research. I spend a lot of time looking down at the ground and often get caught up in what I am doing. Then I have a pleasant surprise when I look up and have my perspective change – from one of intently working to my soul taking a deep breath. I suddenly become aware of the beauty all around me and a wave of serenity washes over me.

I used to search for these kinds of frame shifting experiences in a bottle. Today they come as part of living how the steps have taught me to live.

Yesterday morning was a little different. The desert was just fine but my mind was not. I had a meeting with two of my bosses a few days ago and we discussed our summer agenda. I started to lay out a time line in my head about when I would be able to do my projects. Since I work alone, there was little to disrupt my thoughts. I began to worry and before I knew it I was absolutely obsessed with negative ideas.

I have come to learn that the basis for most of my fear is insecurity. I can often trace most of my troubles to a belief that I can summarize as “if everything in my life were in order then I will be fine.” This belief leads me to obsessive behaviors, trying to arrange things (be it writing, making a web page, trying to get my things together when I leave the house, etc.) so they are just right. I am futilely acting out in perfect accord with my faulty belief.
The steps have worked wonders to improve this part of my life. I now understand there are lots of things in my life I cannot manage. My faith does often wax and wane though, as I am still just human. At my best I have a deep knowing that God is with me and all is well with the world. Everything is fine regardless of what I can do or do not do to keep my life in order. Imagine that, I am not in control of the universe! Not surprisingly my fears can be stirred by failing to regularly cultivate my spirituality. It is also true that I can sometimes just have a bad day.

Yesterday was somewhere inbetween, a bad morning and playing in places inside my head that are not good for me to be. Worrying about what “I” have to accomplish and how I will not be able to get things done. It was awhile before I realized my head was dwelling on negative thoughts, which of course was stirring up plenty of bad feelings. I was thinking about all I had to get done this summer, feeling it was not possible (maybe true), and then having all kinds of resentments against my bosses (how can they be so unreasonable!). The reality is that I will get done whatever I can and I need to talk to my bosses about my concerns. They have demanded nothing, other than we talked about what we would like to get accomplished. In realizing what my head was doing I immediately began to work to change things.

Maybe the serenity prayer would help…..God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Five minutes later I realized I was back to my obsessive thinking. I stopped and took in my beautiful surroundings. A few minutes of relief and right back to the land of negativity. Whatever I tried to do to shut it off, it just would not stop.

There is a noon meeting in the city I live in and I realized it would be good for me to leave work in time to get to the meeting. I arrived just as the meeting was beginning. Some of the meeting preliminaries include asking if there is anyone who is within a few days of their last drink. Someone I knew, who had been out drinking for about six months, raised his hand and said he was just coming back. I had not even recognized him when I had sat down and looked around the room. It really made me happy to see this guy. I knew from a few reports from other people that his return to drinking had not been going very well.

When the chairperson asked if anyone had a topic I spoke up and reported what was going on with me. The meeting finished an hour later and I felt a lot better. Most of what had been said in relation to what I had shared were all things I had tried, considered, or realized while I was out in the desert trying to shut off my obsessive negative thinking. Yet hearing it again at the meeting was just what I needed. I also had a living example put in front of me of what is really important. The fellow who was returning after some hard drinking had talked about how bad it was to have gone out.

I have the day off today and feel a lot better. I called my friend that is just coming back and plan to see him at the noon meeting. I imagine things are just as they need to be in the desert this morning and hope that this proves true when I return back to work tomorrow morning.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AAblogger

….a little blurb from the Big Book chapter “A Vision for You.” This loneliness can settle in when we are successful enough at withdrawing from life that almost no one can get in the way of our drinking. The latter was something I wanted for years. Ignorance and alcoholism led me down a path where I believed that I would be better off if everyone would just leave me alone. While I was relatively young when I bottomed out, I had managed to do fairly well in cutting myself off from most people.

I had a few friends but did not see or speak with them regularly. I was good at being evasive, being emotionally unavailable, and trusting no one. I had developed a habitat of speaking softly and mumbling my words as I really did not want to talk to people. With the possibilities that drunk driving and blackouts brought, it had become somewhat dangerous for me to go out and drink. I had learned it was safer to get drunk at home, which I usually did alone. All of these things led to a lot of isolation.

It is not inevitable that being alone will lead to loneliness but I had also developed a sense that I was somehow different from other people. This feeling of being apart, actually keeping myself away from others, and the opportunity to drink regularly was a bad combination. My life was like a black hole, sucking the light out of my surroundings in a way that expanded the darkness. The emotional pain I felt as a result of this and other problems was thankfully tempered by my drinking. Like every seasoned drunk, I was a pro at denying or escaping from emotional turmoil. Still this was no way to live and I was truly killing myself a drop at a time.

When I came to AA I was offered an opportunity to try and regain a saner way of living.

The fellowship and my sponsor supported me in beginning to live a life that included budding friendships, attending social functions without being afraid of what I might end up doing, and opportunities to just hang out with a group of people after meetings. All of these activities were emotionally painful. I discovered I had a lot of fear and anxiety that would get tweaked whenever I was around other people. Fortunately the fellowship was consistently supportive and safe. I learned there that my worries and fears were almost all unfounded. This knowledge helped but did not necessarily put an end to my discomfort. Eventually I learned to relax, to speak up and voice my opinion in discussions, and to be more open about how I felt.

Those baby steps I took in AA eventually were put into practice outside of the fellowship. Today I risen all the way to the level of normal in my social interactions. I have friends that I keep in touch with on a regular basis. I rarely feel the need to revert to being a shady con artist that will tell anyone anything to get what I want. I no longer attempt to isolate myself as a matter of course but I do still cherish being alone. It is time I often use to recharge myself spiritually.

Having others in my life is so important that it is difficult for me to fathom how I survived, virtually alone, when I was drinking. AA helped me to escape that insanity and still provides reminders of how bad things had once been. Every so often I have a conversation with a newcomer who is mumbling, talking softly, and very obviously scared out of their wits to be talking to someone. It is chilling to see this as a reflection of who I once was but it also fills me with gratitude that I am sober today.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AABlogger