I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
Nelson Mandela
Last Sunday I got away from myself. Finally. I have been living in fear and letting it run my life. I’m twenty one years sober – and still human. How did I get away? By literally getting away from my house.
I currently live in a place that is about a two hour ride from where I used to live a few years ago. I had a two year interval where I was far away from this area, then moved to where I am now.
I have friends, old sponsees and old sponsors that still live there in this place that really is not that far away. I am a bit of a mess in my present home town. I moved here, blew out my back, went to Australia for a few months, got married, changed jobs, lost my job, and more. Lots of life stuff and in my humanity I have not gotten well connected with AA here. That list is just what it is. A list of excuses I could use to say why I have just been to busy to find a home group, work with others, and all that stuff I have been taught can be vital to my sobriety. The bottom line is I have not been doing what I need to do to keep my self as safe as possible.
With a bunch of fear building up (me, in my head, that is), I decided I finally needed to go see folks that I know and that know me. Of course it was fabulous. I am so grateful that these people are there and that they have remained sober. I took a lot of strength and joy from seeing these people. What they have become, what they have created around them and how they are dealing with the everyday problems of living, and living sober.
I do not have that kind of connection with people here. I can bitch and moan about it, or go to more meetings and talk to people. Shake hands, get and give numbers, go to coffee, call people, give people rides, and on and on.
I was driving home from my visit to see my old friends and was listening to an inspirational talk. One of the ideas being talked about was something I had either never thought about in the way it was presented or just never needed to hear about before in the way it was discussed. Basically it was talking about how we are who we are in part because of our background or as the speaker said “our edges.” If I only see the dimension of me, separate from my background, then I am not seeing me. Because part of who I am is where I grew up, my actions and reactions to those who raised and were raised with me, my experiences, my culture, etc. Without having some sense of those things I am ill defined.
The thing that smashed down on me when I was thinking about this? When I am as cut off as I am from an AA network that is in my life – going to more than a meeting every week or two, talking and knowing more people in my immediate AA community, trying to hold my hand out and praying more for the opportunity to help and work with others – then I flatten myself out into a very dimensionless me. I lose sight of so much of my background and all the rest of the things that are a part of me. Kind of like I can’t see the forest for the trees.
An example is the easy adjustments that come from attending a meeting. Someone sobbing because they can’t stay sober. Someone talking about hell in having gone back out. Someone talking about an amazing insight they had when making an amends. Someone talking about being there for their spouse as their partner was dying of cancer. I need to hear and feel these things to keep me to wrapped up in myself. There is a bigger world out there and I am a part of it. Me and God, hanging out in a figurative closet, just don’t have as much of a clue about this when I sit at home to much. Brooding about my lack of income, my inability to contribute at the moment to the finances of my family and lots more. God’s power, grace, strength, compassion and lots more is presented with more clarity to me when I am not so wrapped up in myself. This in turn cranks up my faith, love, tolerance and joy of living.
So I know what I need to do more of. I have know for awhile. I just haven’t acted. As the self-help folks or motivational speakers might say, the time to act is now!
Hopefully I have sat in my own shit for long enough.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger