Month: March 2009

Good Times

I encourage you to list things that make you feel happy. Cause I think we could use to divulge a bit more of the things that we enjoy doing.

So says the end of Wizbang’s blog post.

I woke up this morning and started the coffee pot. Having the coffee finish, pouring a cup and then finding a place to go drink that first cup is a singular pleasure I get to enjoy just about every day. I mention this first as I am sitting here now drinking that first cup of the day. Good morning!

My wife is a joy. It took me much long than most to get married, and the wait was well worth it. Sure our commitment to be joined in marriage is relatively new – 7 months – but it just seems so incredible to be married, and to be married to her. I marvel at the fact that she is part of my life today.

My adopted cat (by marriage). A very strange bird, this cat controls me like he is royalty. He likes to drink from the faucet in the tub, so when he gets in there and meows I choose to go in there and turn on the spigot for him. There are not a huge number of things like this but I do cater to a lot of his whims and wishes. He has trained me well and I do enjoy having him around.

The chance and ability I have to to get out in, and experience, nature. I could write a book about that one. This has been such an important part of my sober life and my spiritual well being. I was out in the snow covered woods this past weekend. First time in awhile, and like finding a favorite shirt that has been lost, putting on the woods was once again the transformational experience it always is. Why do I live in the city (life is complicated!) and why do I not get out in the woods more?

My back is screwed up but I can be happy that I have at least recovered enough that I can do what I can do today. I can get quite pissed about how this part of my life is, as I’m still not well, but I have memories of things being a lot worse. Sometimes that is accompanied by stinking thinking (will this ever get better?). On the flip side there are plenty of times I am happy when I tie my shoes, as it makes me glad I am at least able to do this again.

My families. Good and bad, my new family and the old, the quirky and the inspiring. I just wanted to be left alone when I was drinking. It is a testament to how bad of an illness alcoholism is that it was leading me to not want to have anything to do with people, including my family. I seriously would not give up the hardest times I still have with some family members today. Even those difficult relationships I recognize to be blessings and see there is still plenty of love there. And the good relationships I have. Well, they are precious. I even indirectly love how AA mends family relationships. Sponsees that reconcile with their family, and that share with me what that means to them, can bring me to tears. It is humbling to have allowed God to have given me an opportunity to play a part in such things coming to pass.

Walking. I am supposed to walk to help out my back. This is like, being sober and knowing you have to be a part of AA. I do need to (often) force myself to get out and walk but I do consider this medical “need” a wonderful prescription.

Books. The internet. Information. I have been a reader ever since I can remember. I can recall when I was eight years old staying up late, after everyone else had gone to bed, and reading through part of the night. I still do that today. Books can be a form of escape but I am also naturally curious. Reading can bring so many different ideas and perspectives to me. What a blessing to live in the information age where there is so much to read.

Not being stressed and not living in fear. I have to admit that I used to be a lot better at this in times past. I need to work harder to have this be a more dominant state. Even thought it comes and goes, it does make me very happy to have that perspective when it does come.

Not writing regularly on this blog. This may seem strange. Let me explain. I often get an urge or notion that I “should” both make a commitment and get working on posting regularly to this blog. I have a lot of ideas about this, why it would be good for me, how I could potentially try and be more helpful by sharing more, etc. In reality I love being able to just write a few posts every month. Sometimes I get an urge to do a bit more, and that is fine when I am truly moved or otherwise need to get some stuff written down here. Yet I do not need the pressure of another regular task to get done at this point in my life. That tension, of creating a bit more stuff I think I need to do, always comes up when I feel like making some push to make myself write more. I could do more but that would just not be right at this time. So I write like I do, posting irregularly, but it works for me (hopefully the one or two people that might have read something on this blog find this and understand!).

So this is just a few things that make me happy, with some not so short explanations of why this is so. I feel happier for having written this, of course!

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Getting out, physically and figuratively

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

Last Sunday I got away from myself. Finally. I have been living in fear and letting it run my life. I’m twenty one years sober – and still human. How did I get away? By literally getting away from my house.

I currently live in a place that is about a two hour ride from where I used to live a few years ago. I had a two year interval where I was far away from this area, then moved to where I am now.

I have friends, old sponsees and old sponsors that still live there in this place that really is not that far away. I am a bit of a mess in my present home town. I moved here, blew out my back, went to Australia for a few months, got married, changed jobs, lost my job, and more. Lots of life stuff and in my humanity I have not gotten well connected with AA here. That list is just what it is. A list of excuses I could use to say why I have just been to busy to find a home group, work with others, and all that stuff I have been taught can be vital to my sobriety. The bottom line is I have not been doing what I need to do to keep my self as safe as possible.

With a bunch of fear building up (me, in my head, that is), I decided I finally needed to go see folks that I know and that know me. Of course it was fabulous. I am so grateful that these people are there and that they have remained sober. I took a lot of strength and joy from seeing these people. What they have become, what they have created around them and how they are dealing with the everyday problems of living, and living sober.

I do not have that kind of connection with people here. I can bitch and moan about it, or go to more meetings and talk to people. Shake hands, get and give numbers, go to coffee, call people, give people rides, and on and on.

I was driving home from my visit to see my old friends and was listening to an inspirational talk. One of the ideas being talked about was something I had either never thought about in the way it was presented or just never needed to hear about before in the way it was discussed. Basically it was talking about how we are who we are in part because of our background or as the speaker said “our edges.” If I only see the dimension of me, separate from my background, then I am not seeing me. Because part of who I am is where I grew up, my actions and reactions to those who raised and were raised with me, my experiences, my culture, etc. Without having some sense of those things I am ill defined.

The thing that smashed down on me when I was thinking about this? When I am as cut off as I am from an AA network that is in my life – going to more than a meeting every week or two, talking and knowing more people in my immediate AA community, trying to hold my hand out and praying more for the opportunity to help and work with others – then I flatten myself out into a very dimensionless me. I lose sight of so much of my background and all the rest of the things that are a part of me. Kind of like I can’t see the forest for the trees.

An example is the easy adjustments that come from attending a meeting. Someone sobbing because they can’t stay sober. Someone talking about hell in having gone back out. Someone talking about an amazing insight they had when making an amends. Someone talking about being there for their spouse as their partner was dying of cancer. I need to hear and feel these things to keep me to wrapped up in myself. There is a bigger world out there and I am a part of it. Me and God, hanging out in a figurative closet, just don’t have as much of a clue about this when I sit at home to much. Brooding about my lack of income, my inability to contribute at the moment to the finances of my family and lots more. God’s power, grace, strength, compassion and lots more is presented with more clarity to me when I am not so wrapped up in myself. This in turn cranks up my faith, love, tolerance and joy of living.

So I know what I need to do more of. I have know for awhile. I just haven’t acted. As the self-help folks or motivational speakers might say, the time to act is now!

Hopefully I have sat in my own shit for long enough.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger