The Last Words I Ever Say

Does it matter what you say? No it doesn’t, as long as you do not care about the words you use or the thoughts you express.

Not thinking about my actions is old school bullshit. And my actions include what I have to say. Living as an active alcoholic, I largely said what I thought would help me the most. The problem with this was my thoughts were based on immature, self-centered ideas that were largely devoid of any wisdom. I became good at lying to myself and others. I wouldn’t say words became cheap, but they increasingly become less concerned about anyone elses’ welfare. Words were very valuable and useful to me. I used them to help me get what I wanted. And getting what I needed was of the ultimate importance in my increasingly narcissistic world.

Getting sober it was important to learn and practice being honest. No more lying, at least all the time – I think it is extremely rare that anyone becomes totally honest and I am still no saint. I made dramatic progress in being more careful about what I said to people. I, like any sobering drunks, even took pride in my new found ability to act so righteously – I was not always lying most of the time!

This was a great achievement in light of where my actions had been when I was drinking. Yet this could not be the end of my working on how I talk to other people. Many children begin to mature by rising to the level I had now achieved. Therefore I had achieved parity in my communication skills with someone half my age.

Words have power. They can express intent, emotion, and suggest future possibilities. Being positive, loving, and optimistic is a far cry from being judgmental, angry and despairing. My state of mind and my words have real power to influence both how I feel and how people I interact with feel. If I am in a foul mood, I may talk in a gloomy manner. This in turn can make me feel depressed. I think you can also appreciate it can be unnerving to be around someone in a foul mood. The opposite is of course true too. Through prayer and practice I can work at being more positive and upbeat in my thoughts and actions. It can be inspiring to be around someone who is upbeat, full of love, and has that special spiritual gleam in their eye.

Working on what I have to say to others is an extremely important part of improving myself. The side effects are of course momentous. What I put out to the world tends to come back to me tenfold. The Prayer of St. Francis offers but one way of focusing on working towards making my actions more positive.

I’m sure most of what I have already said makes sense to a sober drunk. Lets though take this out of an abstract form of thinking about such things. Here is a story to help you focus and think about why it may matter what you say and why you should care how you interact with other people. I think this might have a bigger impact in driving home what I am trying to convey.

A young girl was on the train to Auschwitz, and yes it was during that horrible time. The train was on its way to the death camp. This teenage girl was with her eight year old brother. He sat next to her on the train. They had already been separated from their parents. She looked down and noticed her brother’s shoes were gone. Her reaction was to be upset and she scolded him. In a loud and forceful tone. “Why are you so stupid, can’t you keep your things together?”

These words turned out to be that last she ever spoke to her brother. Soon thereafter they were separated and never saw each other again. He did not survive the camp.

When she walked out of Auschwitz, a rare survivor, she made a decision. She vowed to never say anything that couldn’t stand as the last thing she ever said.

This story is from a talk given by Benjamin Zander. He is an impassioned and positive person, that feels strongly about teaching people to appreciate classical music. He is a conductor but he also gives talks, and speaks to people, all over the world. You can see one of these talks here.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

It drives me crazy

Tradition Eleven

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

There are no rules in AA, but one of our twelve suggestions states that we should remain anonymous when it comes to the press. This means that your name and the fact you are a member of AA should not appear together in the same news story. There are a LOT of good reasons for this, which I won’t get into, but clearly someone that is sober for sixteen years should know better. Why then would a sober drink with that much time publish an opinion letter, about alcoholism and drinking no less, in the NYT? This is what has happened today.

My opinion? This guy is a real asshole to have written what he did AND include the fact that he is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. To top it all off, I’ll bet he thinks he is being slick because he writes

I know this is a sensation shared by other drunks because every time I enter an Alcoholics Anonymous room, I am struck not by the expressions of guilt or defiance or even boredom that I see.

Gee, he never said he was a member of AA, did he?

I also find his writing rather off putting for a lot of other reasons. I think this, I think that, blah, blah, blah. Doctors, science, reactions, emotions…what a mess of things to throw together in a short piece about drinking. One of the many big lessons dealing with the alcoholism has taught me is that is that there are a lot of things I don’t know jack shit about. I have my experience, and I know what works for me, but in the end alcohol for me and for those like me can be a horrible, inexplicable thing. It defies logic. Anyone who is an alcoholic and writes things about alcoholism with the knowing air he presents in this article is both arrogant and stupid.

He even talks up that fact that if he was getting sober today he might be able to drink just a little during the holiday season. This is not only unwise, it is just flat out wrong. This butthead puts on airs about how much he knows about alcoholism, then says he might be able to drink? WTF? This provides way to much unnecessary fuel to someone that is looking for any excuse possible to justify drinking. Nice going. In all humility many of us know that it does not matter what we say or do, a drunk is going to do what he wants. You could say then it does not matter that this was printed. I think if one person reads this and gets that extra help he needs to go take that drink and go nuts, say geting in a car drunk and killing himself or someone else, then this is some cause and effect here. Maybe if they didn’t read that it may have not lead to them drinking just at that time…..

There is more, but I should stop here. Except I won’t. My guess is this guy feels very proud of himself this morning. He was published in the NYT. I earnestly pray he does not celebrate by talking himself into taking that first drink he wrote about. Any alcoholic that is not drinking should remain that way, in my opinion, regardless of whether they are an ass or not.

Anyone that writes about alcoholism like this in a public way should do one of two things. Either you publish under the name Anonymous and talk about AA, and say you don’t represent AA but am merely speaking as a sober drunk, or publish under your name and do not give the slightest hint about your involvement in AA. In fact don’t even mention its existence. Otherwise you try to be slick like this guy did.

You also don’t talk about all this guy did, talk about AA, and then add in someone else’s name like Xyy Xxxx (famous celebrity) to the mix. The problem is not labeling Xyy as an alcoholic but indirectly insinuating he is involved with AA. The logic of this follows along these lines – you write about drinking and alcoholism, talk about AA, then talk about someone else being an alcoholic. In some peoples minds you have just linked that person to AA, whether you like it or not or whether it is true or not. This guy is a published author so he should know about this, regardless of the seeming innocuous intent you could claim he had in writing what he did. Now lots of people talk about Xyy, and he himself will say he is an alcoholic. Yet Xyy does not go around talking about AA, as far as I know. Despite the fact he is actually in AA!

Obviously I feel strongly about this tradition. I want to freely talk about myself and being a member of AA. So I remain anonymous on this blog. Some people think my doing so is dumb. I’m just hiding or something. No. I think the eleventh tradition applies to us here on the web too. But this is just my opinion. I do not represent AA nor do I speak for Alcoholics Anonymous. I am just another member of AA, grateful for having been helped to live and experience many years of sobriety. And hoping to do what I can to help other alcoholics to not drink, whether they are in AA or not. My definition of this does not include publishing opinion pieces in major newspapers that say things like (I’m paraphrashing here)

if I was getting sober today, with all that is know today about alcholism, it might be possible that I could have a drink or two around the holidays without it causing me to releapse

Wow. I’ll end there. That last bit kind of leaves me without words at the moment.

Enjoy the holidays. Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

21

Today is the 21st anniversary of my sobriety. Amazing!

It is still chilling to remember this time, twenty-one years ago now, and what that was like. I so fervently hope I never have to feel and experience most of what happened, and how I felt then, ever again.

The ironic thing is in the midst of all of what happened I had a profound spiritual experience.  During the fleeting few minutes that it occurred I was more at peace than I have ever been in my life. It was a palpable ease and lightness. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like I was sitting in the palm of God’s hand – and I knew it. That explanation of what it was like though is all retrospective in that I didn’t even believe in God then. I had no idea what had happened was a spiritual experience, or what that meant, or how deeply I had been changed. The immediate benefit was a sense that I knew I could not drink or drug anymore and, as I was to discover, the obsession had been lifted from me. That was of course good.

The few minutes of intense peace I had that night were framed by strange and very opposite feelings and experiences. I had just been revived, through someone giving me CPR, and I had been gone. Dead. The three people around me were very freaked out – yet I was fully enveloped in a feeling of total peace. I could not figure out why they looked so pained and worried. I knew everything was more than all right. Why didn’t they know this too? Everything was fine now and into the future.

Then my few minutes of having my senses about me in a way I never had before, and in someways have never had since, ended. The ambulance, the hospital, a night in intensive care. Not fun. The sense of peace was long gone.

My first sober day was spent in the hospital. Horrible. I laid there and thought about how badly I had failed in life. How could I live now that I could no longer drink or drug? Like it says in the Big Book – I could not imagine life with or without it. I felt so much fear, self-loathing, guilt, and remorse. It was numbing, like a huge weight bearing down on me.

Easily the most horrible day of my life, that day in the hospital. It was my nadir. I could not know it would mark the beginning of my ascent from hell back into the land of the living. Sane, spiritual, love-filled living. Something that bears no likeness to the mess that my old life was.

It is easy to imagine that my old self died when I died that night. But it didn’t. A different me was forged from that experience, along with the Grace I was given by having some powerful changes take place in my attitude and outlook. Yet the old me is only an elbow’s reach away. I have no doubt. Despite all the blessings, good people around me today, the tools I have at my disposal, God in my life, and all the rest – I could still be right back into that dark despair and fear in no time at all.

It would only take me taking a drink….one is never enough for me….and I left off at a place that when I drank I had no idea what was going to happen. Other than what did happen was more and more consistently something unpleasant, bad, and unsustainable. Stuff like dying. That is what awaits me. Any day, any year that I want to pick up again. It doesn’t matter when. My guess is that old me will only be able to give up waiting for me to drink again when I do die, and stay dead, at some point in the future.

Today I can feel especially grateful that God, AA, my friends and family, and other things have all helped me continually kick that old me into the gutter and keep him out of my way. It is so nice to live, have normal living problems, and have love be a part of my life.

So good to be sober!

Wishing you all the best in your sobriety,
AA blogger

Recharge

Following along the same vein as my last post I am still focusing and thinking about my spiritual condition today. I think part of the problem is my having been doing a few of the same things day after day, and perhaps thinking this is enough. Praying in the morning and praying at night does get supplemented by other things throughout the day but there is not much else that I do on a regular basis. Going to a meeting can help me focus more on God but not always. Finding myself in challenging or humbling situations can make me contemplate God, say a prayer, or feel grateful I do not have to bear the burden of everything on my own, but this doesn’t always happen. And so on.

I have been thinking that I perhaps need to do something to knock me out of my complacency. Many years ago I used to fast from time to time. I would drink nothing but water for a day. Then there was a year or two where I was attending a sweat lodge in Montana a few times a month. I would fast for the part of the day leading up to the sweat. The fast coupled with the sweat lodge was a powerful spiritual experience.

All in all, my fasting experiences were truly spiritual manna. I think I need to do a one day fast soon. If your curious, you can find out more about fasting here: how to fast.

Be well and be sober.

Friday October 18, 2008

Just another sober day. Some things seem to be well to me and others could be better. One part of the could be better side of things is my spiritual condition. I’m not feeling as well connected as I feel I should. Perhaps I need to do more prayer and meditation.

On the good side of things, I have been getting better sleep over the last few weeks. I am reading a book about insomnia too, written by an insomniac that is frustrated by the lack of understanding about this problem. The book is a hoot as it talks about problem sleeping like we in AA talk about our alcoholism. And the funny thing is, from some aspects there are a number of perception similarities between alcoholism and insomnia. Like there being lots of well meaning advice offered from people who do not have the problem – you should just stop / just drink some warm milk.

Anyway, it is getting late. I should really think about going to bed!

Happy trails while you trudge the road to happy destiny!

Insomnia

As a sober drunk I am also – just human – and as such have many other issues. One of these is not being able to sleep well. This has been a lifelong problem, starting before I even began drinking. And I had my first drink at 13.

Tonight I am sitting in a hotel room in Cape Cod at 3:30 AM. My wife is sleeping soundly. I like to say she is a professional sleeper and I am just a wanna be.

I subscribe to an RSS feed about sleep problems and when I fired up the computer tonight low and behold one of the articles led me to a new web resource I had never seen before. A list of things to do if you can’t sleep. One was to list your blessings. Gee, what an interesting idea.

Tonight my wife and I watched the sun set at the northernmost part of Cape Cod. As we were standing at the edge of the sea, I saw something pop up out of the water in front of me. It took me a little bit to realize it was a seal’s head. Then just like that it was gone. It turned out there were a few of them there and in a few minutes time you could see one or two pop up somewhere in the vicinity of where we were standing. At one point I tried to take a picture of the beautiful scene in front of us but it turned out the batteries in the camera were dead. I had a moment of rising frustration. Then I realized how blessed I was to be standing right where I was. I love my wife and I love to be on the beach. I also got a sunset and some seals thrown in for good measure. The camera was just not an issue.

I am blessed too today to be sober. One of the great gifts I have been given in learning to live sober is that any initial ideas I have about what might be a problem can often be turned around, just like that. I am lying in bed, not sleeping, eventually have to get up, and feel a little defeated. Five minutes later I read about counting my blessings and feel better. I try to get upset that I can’t take a picture of a scene I want to preserve and quickly realize perhaps I just need to focus on enjoying a really good moment. This skill I was taught has also come in handy during some really serious and relatively weighty issues that have arisen in my sobriety. Most of these things are now just a part of my staying alive rather than it all being  alcoholism related stuff. Health issues, people dying, or whatever. Yet I can tell that my ability to weather the storms, large and small, seems to improve with practice.

So that is my report from the cape this early morning. I hope you are all sleeping soberly, and well.

Love and Marriage

For those not in the know, the title of this post is the name of a Frank Sinatra song. One of the many songs that were played at my wedding last month. The marriage and the celebration were a wonderful affair. I am still bowled over by so many things that were a part of this weekend. The gathering, ceremony, and celebration provided me with a lot of opportunity to reflect on my life and my current circumstances. The bottom line is am tremendously blessed.

There are so many things I want to write about that this will need to be a post of many parts.

Lets start with my bride and how getting married to her makes me reflect on relationships, attraction, and having good people in my life.

I am, quite frankly, pretty amazed at my wife’s personality and what I think of as her soul. She is a genuinely sweet and good person. I rarely see her get angry and I believe this emotional reaction is just not something she has ever cared to resort to. Her experiences in her family life and with her friends is quite unlike my own. In her immediate family there is is not any alcoholism or addiction and her parents are decent folks that have worked hard to do the best they can for their children. Most of her friends, many of which she has known for many years, are good, interesting, and bright people.

My brides life has not been sheltered and all sweetness though – she has seen others in her extended family and some of her friends go through all kinds of struggles that we in recovery find par for the course of life – mental illness, addiction, etc. My wife also had brain surgery a few years before I met her. My perception is that her experiencing some unpleasant parts of life have given her a good dose of humility and perhaps a greater appreciation for life itself.

There is more to this picture I am painting but the outlines provide an image I am trying to present – my wife has not become who she is in a way that resembles my own path. I have spent twenty years aspiring to be healthier, happier, more positive, more caring, and more of the person I should be. The change in my life has been dramatic. She, on the other hand, has had a lot of good qualities in spades and as far as I can tell is still improving in many areas that I think she already does pretty well with.

The point of all this is that for me I am just floored that my working at my sobriety has allowed me to attract such a wonderful person into my life. I have been very conscious of and learned a lot about where I am at and how I am doing by paying attention to the people I have around me. As an active drunk I neither really cared for nor seemed to seek out these kinds of people. It used to be stressful to be around decent people, for me and for them.

My first sober relationship was very interesting. I grew and learned a lot from that experience. I was also very fortunate that all the insanity it supported and fostered drove me deeper into my program rather than justifying going back to drinking. I did a lot of wrong things in that relationship. I also know enough today to see that similar situations I have seen others gone through have gone either way – many end up drinking again but a few get back into working the AA program. Anyway that first sober relationship was crazy but it simply was what it was. In part it reflected who I was and where I was at. Just as the drunken relationships I had had before were with other insane people and were a similar mirror.

Another aspect of all this is that I have become a decent person that my wife and her parents want to have in their lives. They are in fact pleased to have me become a part of their family. I have self-worth, respect, and dignity today. Years ago I would have thought this was amazing and that I was somehow reaching beyond who I was – almost as if I was just lucky to have landed where I have. This is just not true for me today.

When I was getting sober and working the steps that allowed me to “clean house,” I was led to see that my morals and actions were incongruent. There were some beliefs I had that were good ideas but they were not really guiding my behavior. I also held conflicting ideas that made no sense when placed side by side with one another. So I was taught, and practiced, and learned from experience what being decent is all about. It is really gratifying to know I do not need to act like a nut and that I really don’t want to anyway. I usually have a pretty good idea of what the right thing to do is whenever life challenges me (“we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us”)  and I can even act accordingly a lot of  the time. While I had no conception of this twenty years ago, this way of living is great and can create the very situation where I can get married to a wonderful woman with a nice family.

Anger, Buddha, and gems along the road

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. – Buddha

How many gifts are we be blessed with in our sobriety? One of the many I enjoy is finding little gems of insight as I trudge the road to happy destiny. They are right in the middle of the road I am traveling. I never saw these things before. I was to busy, to distracted, to drunk, to depressed….

When I was drinking I did not find gems. Instead I found the crap that lined the ditch. After veering off my path and ending up there I would get up, brush myself off, and discover turds sticking to me.

Go out for a drink to the bar? End up arrested for drunk driving 10 hours later.

Afraid to face a situation I need to deal with? Go get drunk, end up not taking care of business; lose respect, friends, etc.

You know the deal. There was a never ending supply of “surprises” in store for me as I kept off the straight and narrow. And then there is today. The here and now. It has been a long time since I have ended up in a jackpot. Instead I get to experience many good and positive things.

The other day I spoke to a friend that is having to take care of his ailing mother. His mother’s newly diagnosed cancer is well developed. Her lack of going for tests she should have gotten could have made her current prognosis much better. Through all of what is going on, one of the lessons my friend has taken from this situation is that maybe he should be a little more proactive about his own health. He says he realizes that taking care of himself is more important than ever. My friend is happily married and he has a grandchild that he adores. He figures that giving himself the best chance he can to stay healthy will allow him the greatest opportunity to both enjoy his life and to let those who love him have him in their lives as long as possible.

These are things coming from a man I once new as someone who could not stand to use or not to use. His anger was landing him in jail, keeping him from having any kind of loving relationship, and causing him endless grief. He has worked hard at his sobriety for a long time. It was amazing to hear about the fruit of his labor – he has loving people around him and is thinking from the mindset of a loving person. He is quite broken up about his mother’s condition but is walking through the situation with love, compassion, and dignity. The emotions he feels and is trying to deal with are not deterring him from being there to care, as best he can, for his Mom. I am amazed by his strength and the example of caring he presents.

Why did I get to see and experience this person’s transformation and how powerful we can be in practicing love? I think one important element was my showing up at meetings regularly – staying in the middle of my path. In doing this I was there when this fellow was looking for a sponsor. I gave him an opportunity to invite me into his life.

Another gem along the road. Another joy in my life.