Does it matter what you say? No it doesn’t, as long as you do not care about the words you use or the thoughts you express.
Not thinking about my actions is old school bullshit. And my actions include what I have to say. Living as an active alcoholic, I largely said what I thought would help me the most. The problem with this was my thoughts were based on immature, self-centered ideas that were largely devoid of any wisdom. I became good at lying to myself and others. I wouldn’t say words became cheap, but they increasingly become less concerned about anyone elses’ welfare. Words were very valuable and useful to me. I used them to help me get what I wanted. And getting what I needed was of the ultimate importance in my increasingly narcissistic world.
Getting sober it was important to learn and practice being honest. No more lying, at least all the time – I think it is extremely rare that anyone becomes totally honest and I am still no saint. I made dramatic progress in being more careful about what I said to people. I, like any sobering drunks, even took pride in my new found ability to act so righteously – I was not always lying most of the time!
This was a great achievement in light of where my actions had been when I was drinking. Yet this could not be the end of my working on how I talk to other people. Many children begin to mature by rising to the level I had now achieved. Therefore I had achieved parity in my communication skills with someone half my age.
Words have power. They can express intent, emotion, and suggest future possibilities. Being positive, loving, and optimistic is a far cry from being judgmental, angry and despairing. My state of mind and my words have real power to influence both how I feel and how people I interact with feel. If I am in a foul mood, I may talk in a gloomy manner. This in turn can make me feel depressed. I think you can also appreciate it can be unnerving to be around someone in a foul mood. The opposite is of course true too. Through prayer and practice I can work at being more positive and upbeat in my thoughts and actions. It can be inspiring to be around someone who is upbeat, full of love, and has that special spiritual gleam in their eye.
Working on what I have to say to others is an extremely important part of improving myself. The side effects are of course momentous. What I put out to the world tends to come back to me tenfold. The Prayer of St. Francis offers but one way of focusing on working towards making my actions more positive.
I’m sure most of what I have already said makes sense to a sober drunk. Lets though take this out of an abstract form of thinking about such things. Here is a story to help you focus and think about why it may matter what you say and why you should care how you interact with other people. I think this might have a bigger impact in driving home what I am trying to convey.
A young girl was on the train to Auschwitz, and yes it was during that horrible time. The train was on its way to the death camp. This teenage girl was with her eight year old brother. He sat next to her on the train. They had already been separated from their parents. She looked down and noticed her brother’s shoes were gone. Her reaction was to be upset and she scolded him. In a loud and forceful tone. “Why are you so stupid, can’t you keep your things together?”
These words turned out to be that last she ever spoke to her brother. Soon thereafter they were separated and never saw each other again. He did not survive the camp.
When she walked out of Auschwitz, a rare survivor, she made a decision. She vowed to never say anything that couldn’t stand as the last thing she ever said.
This story is from a talk given by Benjamin Zander. He is an impassioned and positive person, that feels strongly about teaching people to appreciate classical music. He is a conductor but he also gives talks, and speaks to people, all over the world. You can see one of these talks here.
Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger