Author: AA Blogger

Good Times

I encourage you to list things that make you feel happy. Cause I think we could use to divulge a bit more of the things that we enjoy doing.

So says the end of Wizbang’s blog post.

I woke up this morning and started the coffee pot. Having the coffee finish, pouring a cup and then finding a place to go drink that first cup is a singular pleasure I get to enjoy just about every day. I mention this first as I am sitting here now drinking that first cup of the day. Good morning!

My wife is a joy. It took me much long than most to get married, and the wait was well worth it. Sure our commitment to be joined in marriage is relatively new – 7 months – but it just seems so incredible to be married, and to be married to her. I marvel at the fact that she is part of my life today.

My adopted cat (by marriage). A very strange bird, this cat controls me like he is royalty. He likes to drink from the faucet in the tub, so when he gets in there and meows I choose to go in there and turn on the spigot for him. There are not a huge number of things like this but I do cater to a lot of his whims and wishes. He has trained me well and I do enjoy having him around.

The chance and ability I have to to get out in, and experience, nature. I could write a book about that one. This has been such an important part of my sober life and my spiritual well being. I was out in the snow covered woods this past weekend. First time in awhile, and like finding a favorite shirt that has been lost, putting on the woods was once again the transformational experience it always is. Why do I live in the city (life is complicated!) and why do I not get out in the woods more?

My back is screwed up but I can be happy that I have at least recovered enough that I can do what I can do today. I can get quite pissed about how this part of my life is, as I’m still not well, but I have memories of things being a lot worse. Sometimes that is accompanied by stinking thinking (will this ever get better?). On the flip side there are plenty of times I am happy when I tie my shoes, as it makes me glad I am at least able to do this again.

My families. Good and bad, my new family and the old, the quirky and the inspiring. I just wanted to be left alone when I was drinking. It is a testament to how bad of an illness alcoholism is that it was leading me to not want to have anything to do with people, including my family. I seriously would not give up the hardest times I still have with some family members today. Even those difficult relationships I recognize to be blessings and see there is still plenty of love there. And the good relationships I have. Well, they are precious. I even indirectly love how AA mends family relationships. Sponsees that reconcile with their family, and that share with me what that means to them, can bring me to tears. It is humbling to have allowed God to have given me an opportunity to play a part in such things coming to pass.

Walking. I am supposed to walk to help out my back. This is like, being sober and knowing you have to be a part of AA. I do need to (often) force myself to get out and walk but I do consider this medical “need” a wonderful prescription.

Books. The internet. Information. I have been a reader ever since I can remember. I can recall when I was eight years old staying up late, after everyone else had gone to bed, and reading through part of the night. I still do that today. Books can be a form of escape but I am also naturally curious. Reading can bring so many different ideas and perspectives to me. What a blessing to live in the information age where there is so much to read.

Not being stressed and not living in fear. I have to admit that I used to be a lot better at this in times past. I need to work harder to have this be a more dominant state. Even thought it comes and goes, it does make me very happy to have that perspective when it does come.

Not writing regularly on this blog. This may seem strange. Let me explain. I often get an urge or notion that I “should” both make a commitment and get working on posting regularly to this blog. I have a lot of ideas about this, why it would be good for me, how I could potentially try and be more helpful by sharing more, etc. In reality I love being able to just write a few posts every month. Sometimes I get an urge to do a bit more, and that is fine when I am truly moved or otherwise need to get some stuff written down here. Yet I do not need the pressure of another regular task to get done at this point in my life. That tension, of creating a bit more stuff I think I need to do, always comes up when I feel like making some push to make myself write more. I could do more but that would just not be right at this time. So I write like I do, posting irregularly, but it works for me (hopefully the one or two people that might have read something on this blog find this and understand!).

So this is just a few things that make me happy, with some not so short explanations of why this is so. I feel happier for having written this, of course!

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Getting out, physically and figuratively

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

Last Sunday I got away from myself. Finally. I have been living in fear and letting it run my life. I’m twenty one years sober – and still human. How did I get away? By literally getting away from my house.

I currently live in a place that is about a two hour ride from where I used to live a few years ago. I had a two year interval where I was far away from this area, then moved to where I am now.

I have friends, old sponsees and old sponsors that still live there in this place that really is not that far away. I am a bit of a mess in my present home town. I moved here, blew out my back, went to Australia for a few months, got married, changed jobs, lost my job, and more. Lots of life stuff and in my humanity I have not gotten well connected with AA here. That list is just what it is. A list of excuses I could use to say why I have just been to busy to find a home group, work with others, and all that stuff I have been taught can be vital to my sobriety. The bottom line is I have not been doing what I need to do to keep my self as safe as possible.

With a bunch of fear building up (me, in my head, that is), I decided I finally needed to go see folks that I know and that know me. Of course it was fabulous. I am so grateful that these people are there and that they have remained sober. I took a lot of strength and joy from seeing these people. What they have become, what they have created around them and how they are dealing with the everyday problems of living, and living sober.

I do not have that kind of connection with people here. I can bitch and moan about it, or go to more meetings and talk to people. Shake hands, get and give numbers, go to coffee, call people, give people rides, and on and on.

I was driving home from my visit to see my old friends and was listening to an inspirational talk. One of the ideas being talked about was something I had either never thought about in the way it was presented or just never needed to hear about before in the way it was discussed. Basically it was talking about how we are who we are in part because of our background or as the speaker said “our edges.” If I only see the dimension of me, separate from my background, then I am not seeing me. Because part of who I am is where I grew up, my actions and reactions to those who raised and were raised with me, my experiences, my culture, etc. Without having some sense of those things I am ill defined.

The thing that smashed down on me when I was thinking about this? When I am as cut off as I am from an AA network that is in my life – going to more than a meeting every week or two, talking and knowing more people in my immediate AA community, trying to hold my hand out and praying more for the opportunity to help and work with others – then I flatten myself out into a very dimensionless me. I lose sight of so much of my background and all the rest of the things that are a part of me. Kind of like I can’t see the forest for the trees.

An example is the easy adjustments that come from attending a meeting. Someone sobbing because they can’t stay sober. Someone talking about hell in having gone back out. Someone talking about an amazing insight they had when making an amends. Someone talking about being there for their spouse as their partner was dying of cancer. I need to hear and feel these things to keep me to wrapped up in myself. There is a bigger world out there and I am a part of it. Me and God, hanging out in a figurative closet, just don’t have as much of a clue about this when I sit at home to much. Brooding about my lack of income, my inability to contribute at the moment to the finances of my family and lots more. God’s power, grace, strength, compassion and lots more is presented with more clarity to me when I am not so wrapped up in myself. This in turn cranks up my faith, love, tolerance and joy of living.

So I know what I need to do more of. I have know for awhile. I just haven’t acted. As the self-help folks or motivational speakers might say, the time to act is now!

Hopefully I have sat in my own shit for long enough.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Feb 16, 2009 Just for Today

The easier, softer way. I have come to understand that my good life, in general, is not easy. By that I mean having good things – like being sober, having a happy marriage, being employed in a fulfilling job, etc. takes some doing on my part. If I don’t put the effort I am just not likely to get good results. Sure I might hit upon some dumb luck now and again and stumble into some good outcomes. But they are less likely. When I was drinking I ignored things and consistently reaped those rewards. Life got worse and worse.

So my life is like trying to be a farmer. Growing something substantial takes many things that require my attention – planning, action, adjustments and time. Whether I want two hundred acres of corn or to keep a bonsai tree, I can’t get by on a little effort and expect to have great results. Bonsai care takes effort and attention just like staying sober. And just like having a beautiful and interesting Bonsai tree my sobriety can be a wonderful thing if I pay attention and take time to do the right things.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,

AA Blogger

Feb 13, 2009 Humility

Friday the 13th? No problem. I was born on a Friday the 13th so I think it is a lucky day for me.

Today the meeting was a reading and discussion about the seventh step from the 12 x 12.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

My quick take on all that…..
I have many areas of life where I come up short. It is part of being human. Thankfully these problems are not the terrible things they once were. For example it is better that I am aware of being sharp with someone, or not being as kind as I should. Things like this form the bulk of my problems, rather than being such an ass that I have no good relationships, am in trouble with the law or any number of other things that I was good at attracting into my life.

Even though I am much better off I still need to do what I have been taught on a regular basis – talk to others, go to meeting and work on my relationship with God so that I can stay on top of my own crap. If I don’t do these things I lose a bit of humility, then a little more and then it reaches a point where I have lost a lot. This does even happen when I am doing what I should be but I do feel it is not as bad. And at least I am giving myself a chance.

So I need to stay humble, recognize I can and do come up short and try to do better – in part by asking for God to take those things away from me.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Sunday February 8, 2009

I just went for a wonderful walk with my wife. It is a blessing to be sharing my sober life with someone I love, respect and enjoy being around. An added bonus with a walk today was a break in the cold weather. It was in the mid 40’s which is the warmest it has been for some time. Snow is melting, being outside does not have to involve bundling up real tight and there is lots of ice/water/slush everywhere. We got involved in a heavy conversation about our work (we are both scientists). The time passed quickly even though we were out for 45 minutes.

Part of this walk involves going along a route that an active drunk regularly drives. He or she has to live in this neighborhood. There are always bottles strewn about on the sides of the road. Not a huge number and most of them are those small shots of liquor but enough evidence for me to figure out what this represents. I had not walked this route in awhile and there is lots of snow everywhere. Sure enough there are some newly placed bottles on top of the snow.

When I point things like that out to me wife “these bottles are from a drunk” and lay out the story of what I think is happening, it makes it so clear how different we alcoholics are in so many ways. It is easy for me to know these bottles are from a drunk. She on the other hand does not have a clue. And it is obvious her mind has a hard time understanding the crazy behavior and rational. Why would you need to have a drink when you are are leaving or coming home (why not have it at home)? Why have those little shots if you are doing this same thing every day (why not buy a big bottle)? Why do you have to throw the bottles out the window? And so on.

My question is “why doesn’t she understand?” It all makes perfect sense to me. Rationalization and weird habitats, after all, used to be some of my best friends!

I am supposed to walk every day to help me with my back issues. I am far from having any regular walking schedule and I must say I walk way less than I should. A bit of prayer, and some added focus on willingness to do what is best for me, seems to be in order with this situation. The funny thing is I love to walk and to be outside.

No meeting today. I need to get my ass to one soon.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Saturday February 7, 2009

A nice morning with a day of possibilities ahead.

I’m grateful to be alive, married and have love around me.
I’m grateful to be sober, relatively sane and have an interesting life.

Challenge. That is my immediate sense of the day. I need to go to a meeting, the library, finish a paper, sort through bills and paperwork, work on a website, shower, read, learn……..

This is typical for my head. It want’s to do everything. I can see by dumping that on the page that I need to stop, right now, and take some time to meditate and pray. Even if it is for five minutes. It will make all the difference in the world.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Garden Variety Drunk


photo by mrhayata

When I was a few years sober I spent a summer in New Jersey and kept hearing people saying “I was a garden variety drunk.” I wasn’t exactly sure what this meant so I did what I was taught, I asked someone (sidebar – Normal people know to do things like this. I needed to be taught that not only is it OK to ask people things but that it can be really helpful! I had developed the bad idea that I should know everything so there is no way I was asking anyone anything. You might think I was stupid).

The term garden variety drunk simply meant you were a run-of-the-mill alcoholic. In some sense it is a way to address talking about your alcoholism with some humility. No need for a glorified story about wild and crazy drinking exploits – please check your drunkalogue at the door.

Listening to the speaker at the meeting I was at yesterday I was struck with how it was just such a typically AA story. Man finds liquor, drinks, becomes alcoholic, learns he is alcoholic, and eventually gets sober in AA. The thought came to mind that his story was a Garden Variety AA Story. Besides the personality of the person talking and the details he discussed (I enjoyed that aspect of hearing him speak as well), I felt it was a well delivered message about how AA works. Humble in its telling, no glorification of what happened in spite of their being plenty of things that could have been played up, talk about bridging the gap from discovering his alcoholism and eventually seeking out what AA offered, and a genuine gratitude for what AA has provided him – an answer to his drinking problem!

I was struck with one other thing too. He talked about everything being fine in numerous situations while he was drinking. It occurred to me that we as alcoholics are mostly fine with life when little comes between us and our drinking. If we can find the ways and means of comfortably drinking in a manner we like, our life is pretty good. Of course being a drunk means there is unmanageability that goes with the territory. Maybe not so much at first but it will find you eventually. And often get worse, and worse……

Early on in many alcoholics lives there are many ways to mitigate the potential troubles that come with drinking too much. Or simply fool yourself into thinking the drinking is fine and the other stuff if manageable. As time goes on it gets harder to do both of these things. But therein lies the key to our beginning to face our alcoholism and hopefully think about getting sober.

The first step says “We admitted we were powerless of alcohol AND that our lives had become unmanageable.”

It was putting these two ideas together in the same space in my head and heart that was important. My drinking history only spans a decade because I was drug down fast. I had an idea within the first few years of my drinking that I did not have much control. I did not care because it was one of the few things I had ever found that I really, really liked to do. I also ran into problems that were clearly manageability issues. I rarely looked at how these things were connected to my drinking. One of my favorites strategies for doing this was deflection, as in I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, people just need to leave me alone or it was not my fault.

I could sum this up by saying I liked to focus on minimizing the problems and on the fact the drinking made me feel good. Yes, I was a garden variety drunk.

What I needed to do, face, recognize, and feel in my gut was – in spite of the fact that drinking made me feel good the other things that drinking gave rise to meant drinking was unsafe. Accidentally peeing my pants was one thing. Needing to be hospitalized and on the brink of death….a bit more serious and harder to ignore. Yet I did not pick up on how serious this was the first time I was in this situation.

I was an alcoholic AND drinking was destroying my life.

My sobriety literally started from the moment I had a spiritual experience that allowed me to know that these two things were absolutely true. This hit me like a ton of bricks and I have not had to drink since that day.

One thing that keeps me on my toes is that I have met plenty of people that lived and even died with this same knowledge in their head and in their heart. I cannot imagine what it must be like to drink and known this. What I do know is it is possible for me to learn this firsthand. All I would have to do is ignore doing what I know I need to do in order to keep my sobriety.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Simple Things

I took the bus today and had strong emotional reactions to two things that happened during my trip.

A young girl got on the bus with a few of her friends. She had headphones on and was singing along with what must have been her ipod. She was not signing loudly and had a pleasant voice. When I hear a women singing softly like this it can fill me with a strong sense of peace.

I learned about this reaction of mine years ago when I was working in the mountains. I had one person that worked with me. We would sometimes have to drive for hours to get to a logging site where we would do our survey work. We could pick up one radio station and it played country music. This gal loved country music and would sing along with about half of the songs that came on. She often felt a little self conscious about it and would say she was sorry she was always singing like that. I simply told her it was not a problem and that it did not bother me at all. In reality I would love it when she sang! And I swear it was not any kind of sexual thing, or attraction, or anything like that. It was just very, very soothing.

I clearly remember those experiences, and my reactions, riding in the mountains even though it was years ago.

It had been a long time since I had that kind of sense about me – feeling like I did riding around in the mountains listening to Nancy sing – until I was on the bus today. It was wonderful.

It made me wonder if I had a deep memory about this from my mother singing to me when I was a child. There is something there but it is like a fleeting ghost when I try to pin it down. I will have to ask my Mom about this the next time I talk to her.

The other thing I observed today was two guys getting on the bus, one in a wheelchair, and how nice the bus driver was in helping him get situated. Now the buses where I live require the driver to have to go through all kinds of things to help handicapped riders. Put down a ramp, put up some seats and strap the wheelchair down.

There is no requirement that I know of that they have to do this with kindness. I watched him going about his business and I was touched by the care he took in helping that man.

All in all, it was a nice ride to where I needed to go.

I guess I was feeling kind of good today.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,

AA Blogger