Author: AA Blogger

10th step

It was read out of the Big Book and discussed in the meeting I went to this evening.

It is always nice for me to hear: Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up we ask God to at once to remove them.
When I read things like this I usually have one of two reactions.

Tonight I was thinking about how I have lately been getting pretty consumed with work (a personal favorite – with fear and selfishness driving that boat for me). Then while I was at work I had a chance meeting with a colleague that I do not like and in talking with her I understand she was getting into a very busy week. I offered, as part of my prayers have lately included pleas to be of service, to help her if she needed anything. That led to my agreeing to a two hour committment to do something for her over the next few days. Then she came back to see me 10 minutes later to tell me she was in a jam. Her husband (and one of my bosses) was stranded at the airport. The airport he was at had cancelled all the flights to the city he was trying to get to. The solution was for me to go pick him up and take him to another airport. I not much of a problem for me to do this, I was glad I had told her I could help her in our earlier conversation. Part of being fine with it is I knew this was part of the answer to my prayers. I was getting out of myself.

This ties into the 10th step for me because I can read that part of the big book, check what it has to say against where I am at, and today find that I must be doing plenty of right things. My latest work-induced run into self centerdness has not gotten that far out of hand yet. I was able to say I want to help, an opportunity arose, and I did what I was supposed to.

A much different, and the second kind, of perspective I can take away from reading this step sometimes is much different. I can come across that part of the book and it is a huge revelation. This is an attitude of “why does this make so much sense right now, and yet I seem to have forgotten so much of what this says to do” – for this past day or week or perhaps even longer! That is when I know I need to start taking some action, as the step says, and stop resting on my laurels.

I wish I was a person that could read something like the pages about the 10 and 11th step in the morning and actually have it stick in my consciousness throughout the day. But that just doesn’t happen for me. Fortunately I have been through enough AA stuff that I can be surprising well on a lot of days, and doing what I am supposed to be doing, with little prompting. So there is plenty that is working right. In some ways I am doing what the book says, even when I am not paying that much attention. These habitats have become somewhat engrainged. I am glad too, because I am told these things over and over. The brainwashing is working!

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Should you throw the book away?

The first part of Chapter 5, “How it Works” is read aloud at the beginning of many meetings I attend. This usually ends with:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

A few lines that come after this in the Big Book are:

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

These passages were written a little differently in a manuscript draft of this chapter:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas:

(a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life.
(b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism.
(c) That God can and will.

If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

If you are convinced, you are now at step three, which is that you make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

The interesting sentence contains the re-read the book or else throw it away line. While it sounds kind of harsh it is an unambiguous statement that drives home a number of important points.

Looking at what the book has discussed up to this chapter we can see that the ideas contained in these “three pertinent ideas” are repeated over and over. Why is that? Well, if you are reading this book, or working with a sponsor who is trying to help you work the steps, you need to begin stopping drinking by coming to a new awareness about your life. This includes knowing the truth about your alcoholism and where wanting to stop may leave you.

The book from this point forward is much different than the preceding chapters. Rather than continuing to primarily concentrate on offering an explanation of what alcoholism is, it shifts gears and focuses on a program of practical action that can help you to do what drunks can’t seem to do on their own – stop drinking. Maybe reading the first four chapters has convinced you that you are not an alcoholic. Great. You might as well “throw (the book) away” at this point though. The practical program of action that is about to be explained offers a solution to a problem you do not have.

For the alcoholic there can be a different kind of dilemma that arises at this point in the book. This needs to be squarely faced before reading any further or taking step three.

One needs to ask, what might not being “convinced on these vital issues” mean? Perhaps you feel your alcoholism is not that bad (drastic measures are certainly not necessary, you reason). Maybe you do not believe that a spiritual solution is necessary to solve your drinking problem or there is no way a higher power would intercede in your life, even if God did exist. It could be that you have a better idea about how you can stop (why work the steps, your life is manageable). Can you see a common thread here? These ideas are not conducive to wanting to work the steps. If you don’t believe, or don’t want to believe, what is said in a, b, and c is true for you, it might be best to just get rid of the book.

On the other hand, if you are unconvinced about these points but are not ready to casually cast aside the ideas you have been presented, you may want to consider starting over from the beginning of the book. It can take a lot to digest these ideas. Most drunks are never able to face up to the reality of their drinking and end up dying from this disease. It is also true it can be difficult to get through the steps for the first time. If you are uncertain about a,b, and c, going back over these ideas, by re-reading the beginning of the book, may be just as helpful as trying to go forward.

The unfortunate deal in all this is the sad fact that many, many drunks are extremely obstinate – we either want to believe drinking is not a problem or that it is at least manageable. Turning to a Higher Power for help is therefore not an issue, it simply seems to not be needed. While I wasn’t ready to buy into all of this “AA stuff” on pure faith alone, I was willing to try – and hoped that taking the steps and trying to turn will and life over to a then nebulous “Higher Power” could work.

It did. Thank God!

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

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one more old comment from the pre transfer of this site to my new domain….

Maureen Hennessey Says:
September 20th, 2006 at 8:44 am
I’m 5 days shy of my 4th month, and currently working on this. I enjoy reading your blogs, I get alot out of them. I like the saying that AA is a simple program for complicated people. That is so true! Thanks again for your inspirational words. Keep up the good work!

Alcoholism, knowledge, and awareness

Knowledge resides in my brain. I can mentally know something, I can comprehend the facts, etc.

Awareness is different. Some ways I can put my finger on this – but still this isn’t quite right – is I know something in my heart or to the depths of my soul.

For most of the years I drank I was knowledgeable about the fact that drinking was not the right thing for me to be doing. Yet I drank anyway. Time after time after time. As I continued to drink the consequences become more serious, it became more obvious that drinking was a bad thing to do, and I grew more powerless to stop.

The end of this debilitating progression came when I had a profound spiritual experience. One of the revolutionary changes in my thinking was an awareness of what drinking was bringing to my life. It was suddenly clear to me that my drinking was continually stripping away anything that was joyful or important to me. So much so that I could see there was little left to take away. As it says in the 12X12, alcoholism had become the rapacious creditor.

There was also an awakening to the fact my actions were increasingly suicidal. Everyone will someday die. The problem for me as an alcoholic was that I was increasing the chances that my demise would come sooner, rather than later. I could not stop drinking for any period of time and once I started drinking I had little control. I was therefore inebriated on a regular basis. Anything could happen when I was drunk, including adding to my long list of “bad decisions” I could and would make. I will only take this one drink, it is Ok for me to drive, I don’t need that person in my life, no one will know I took this….

Becoming aware of my drinking problem meant I now truly understood the implications of my taking a drink: when I drank I was always asking for trouble and if I did not stop it was likely I could make an irrevocable fatal mistake. My first day sober was spent in an intensive care unit of a hospital, after all, following a night that included having to be revived by someone administering me CPR.

My obsession appeared to have been lifted from me as a result of my spiritual experience but all this left me was stone cold sober – in other words I had nothing to cover up my fear, uncertainty, and hopelessness. I seemed to have a real sense that I could, eventually, drink again if I did not get help. What was I to do?

Once I had made it to AA I learned that my drinking problem was that I was an alcoholic. I may have reasoned this out before, in some remote parts of my brain, but I never had the clarity I now had. The Big Book and people in AA told me there was no middle of the road solution to my problem. Being convinced I was an alcoholic meant I could either go on to the bitter end with my drinking or accept spiritual help. Despite the fact my brain told me maybe I was different from everyone else (i.e. surely I could somehow find a way to not drink, manage my life, and not work the 12 steps), my newfound awareness was able to counter my insane thoughts. In my heart I now knew all my best efforts to take on my booze problem on my own would fail. It was clear I was powerless.

I had some hope and enough willingness, but still I was reluctant to work the steps. I did not have faith that all this AA stuff would solve what I thought to be my only real problem. Fortunately I had nothing else to fall back on so I gave it a try. My actions were one of desperation – if this AA stuff didn’t work I was probably screwed.

I was initially surprised to learn that AA was able to explain my alcoholism in a sensible way that fit with my newfound awareness of what was wrong. It answered questions I did not even know I had. Then I was surprised to learn that the solution, a program of action laid out in the 12 steps, not only solved my problem but also changed my life in some profound ways. Things got better!

Just as I once got used to the unexpected but inevitable bad turn of events that often resulted from my drinking, today I am used to having good things happen as a result of approaching my life from a spiritual, principled perspective. I have changed from being an athiest, to reasoning my way into agnosticism, to being aware that God plays a role in my life. Today I believe this awareness, and not my knowledge, is one of my greatest strengths.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AABlogger

The Quincy Bar

The Quincy bar. Right on Main street. A real-alcoholic refuge – a single door that opens onto the sidewalk and no windows anywhere. Perfect. If you were to go inside you wouldn’t know if it is day or night. No one can see that you are inside and, just as important, you can forget that there is an outside beyond your sheltered world.

This bar is one block away from a bagel shop that I frequent. At times I get to walk right by, often in the morning, and the bar door is usually propped open. Seemingly so they can air the place out a bit…and maybe so I can get a glimpse of the insanity that is only a bended elbow away. The smell of stale beer, stale people, and cigarettes wafts out as I pass.

The last few times I have passed by the Quincy there is something new happening. The state initiated new no-smoking laws and you can no longer smoke in a bar. Now I get to see little groups of hard core alcoholics hanging out in front of the Quincy. Wow. Such a bunch of hapless souls. The few people I have seen are not a pretty sight. Skinny, sullen, hunched over in a way that makes them look like they are shrinking, and faces that look like they are wearing many lifetimes upon them.

While it is chilling to see these folks, especially during the times when I exchange a word or two in passing, I am really grateful to see so starkly what things are like for some actively drinking alcoholics. Definitely not what I want. I’m so thankful for AA, my sobriety, the people I know that work at staying sober, and for those that have taught me to live my life on a spiritual basis.

I hope to see you in a meeting – and not smoking a cigarette while taking a short break from drinking in the Quincy bar.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

New Tires

I spend a lot of time taking my compact economy car to places where it would be better to be driving a four wheel drive SUV. I am a biologist and I do a lot of fieldwork, with my preference being to work in remote places. For the last few weeks I have needed to take my car somewhere to have some tire problems taken care of. I discovered one of my tires was low on air, which lead to finding it had a slow leak and that another tire had a bubble on its sidewall. Yesterday, when I was about 20 miles in on a gravel forest road, I noticed the leaker was almost flat. Today I finally was able to run some errands around town and I took the car to a tire shop. I was surprised to learn I needed two new tires but I paid the bill and happily drove away.

What does this have to do with sobriety? For me, a lot. I am sober today and can be responsible (except for driving around with two slightly wonky tires for a few weeks!), I can be proactive about things like making sure my car is safely maintained and I even have money to pay for things like car tires. Taking the type of action I did today was way out of my league of possibilities when I was drinking. I had tires blowout on me because I would ride them as long as they held air. Little or no tread, some radial wires sticking out of the sidewall – that was fine with me. When I would finally have no choice but to buy a new tire I was always resentful that I had to spend that money. Sure I needed to get around but how come tires didn’t last longer? How come new tires are so expensive? And on and on.

The fact of the matter was I simply hated to part with any money to pay for things like tires, insurance, or anything to do with my car. I wanted to spend more money on getting what I wanted – booze, drugs, and cigarettes. You see drinking a lot on a regular basis wasn’t leading to my having great success in life. I would try to save for things but I never seemed to have any money left before the next time I got paid. I couldn’t even plan well enough for my regular monthly expenses. Buying new tires meant I would be short of money. This would literally cut into what I had available for obtaining my trinity of necessities. Consequently I would get angry even when I paid my regular bills. The rent, the phone, even the price of food irked me when I was short of cash.

Being sober, responsible, and having what I really need is so much different. I take care of my part, like showing up at the tire store when I notice there is a problem, and the rest seems to take care of itself.

Now I am less likely to get stuck in some out of the way place. I am also not mad that some money I had in the bank went towards allowing me to keep doing my fieldwork. Life is just a much better bargain being sober.

All the best in sobriety,
AABlogger

Fear, inventory, and insight

One of my most persistent problems is a seeming reluctance to bring the spiritual principles I have learned to some areas of my work life. It has been frustrating because while I am well aware that this is a problem, my progress in this area has been slow and plodding. I know the twelfth step instructs me to apply the principles I have learned in all my affairs and it is clear my life would improve greatly if I could let God into this part of my life more.

I believe I bear the brunt of my problem the most when I am working on my own projects. Interactions with others at work are not the issue, just my perceptions of how some off these interactions may work out. Getting my work done and my fears associated with this process are the crux of the matter.

I feel like I made a big breakthrough the other day, getting some amazing insight into my fear. Here is the story of how this came about and my reactions.

Two people I used to work with are currently at odds. One is a boss and the other is a hired hand. I do not like the boss very much, considering he is self-centered and can be quite inconsiderate. It is sad because he has lots of “isms” but since he is not a drunk, he does not have an outlet for getting any relief from himself! When I did work with this man on a daily basis I had to do what I was taught; see him as a sick person, treat him as I would a sick friend, and pray that I could be of service to him in the best way possible. My interactions with him presented many opportunities for growth. This fellow is currently driving this other person to their wits end because as he falls into fearful, manic states – and he is apparently in the midst of a bad one now – he viciously takes things out on those around him.

My problem was I had a lot of anger come up when I heard about this situation. In inventorying about this anger it was not a surprise to find that part of the problem was I did not like what this jerk was doing to this other person, whom I happen to like. The interesting part came when I tried to understand not only my current anger but how this fellow had made me angry in the past, especially when we were around each other on a fairly regular basis.

I discovered that a type of fear I have noticed comes up from time to time for me plays a lot bigger role in my work life than I had ever imagined. It comes down to this: I am afraid that I will do something wrong in my work, that it will be readily apparent to someone else, and that I will be rejected because of my mistake. Low self-esteem and a fear I won’t be accepted. This man I was angry at is unreasonable, negative, and most importantly strongly tweaked my fear because he is capable of finding fault where there is none. This magnified my problem and made me react very negatively.

One character defects that arises when I get caught up in my work related fear is to work more. That will fix it! Me, me, me….what a horrible solution and yet I have done this many a time.

The answer to my problem is spelled out, quite concisely, in the part of the the big book where it explains how to take inventory. A paragraph that comes right after discussing how we examine our fears (we asked ourselves why we had them – wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?):
“Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely upon Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity.”

It goes on to talk about how we do not need to make any excuses for relying upon God. Then:
“We ask him to remove our fear and to direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we begin to outgrow fear.”
I find it very interesting that the prayer is one of asking what we should “be” rather than what we should do.

In the end this issue for me comes down to a lack of faith. I know I have not be able to bring God into my work problems very much. After talking to someone about my inventory concerning these issues, I thankfully had it pointed out to me this leads right into sixth and seventh step work…..am I ready for give God all of my crap or are there things I am unwilling to let go of? Why I would want to keep this fear is not something I can put my finger on but clearly I have been holding onto it. My hope is that it is time for me to get rid of this idea that I am not, or perhaps will not be perceived as, good enough.

I am excited that this revelation may be the beginning of me getting on the other side of this weakening, self-centered delusion. I know from experience that when I am able to let go of something that causes me larger problems there are surprising and wonderful results that arise from completely letting go and letting God.

It works, it really does.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Eleventh Step Prayer

The Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

The noise in my head

Being outside in a natural environment can be a powerful way for me to connect with my higher power. I choose to become a biologist partially because it was a way for me to be in places like the desert I have been working in for the past month. I get out early in the morning as the sun is coming up over the mountains. The morning chill begins to leave the air and the shifting sunlight changes the feel of the landscape. A good way to start my day. My morning consists of walking around and recording the data I need for my research. I spend a lot of time looking down at the ground and often get caught up in what I am doing. Then I have a pleasant surprise when I look up and have my perspective change – from one of intently working to my soul taking a deep breath. I suddenly become aware of the beauty all around me and a wave of serenity washes over me.

I used to search for these kinds of frame shifting experiences in a bottle. Today they come as part of living how the steps have taught me to live.

Yesterday morning was a little different. The desert was just fine but my mind was not. I had a meeting with two of my bosses a few days ago and we discussed our summer agenda. I started to lay out a time line in my head about when I would be able to do my projects. Since I work alone, there was little to disrupt my thoughts. I began to worry and before I knew it I was absolutely obsessed with negative ideas.

I have come to learn that the basis for most of my fear is insecurity. I can often trace most of my troubles to a belief that I can summarize as “if everything in my life were in order then I will be fine.” This belief leads me to obsessive behaviors, trying to arrange things (be it writing, making a web page, trying to get my things together when I leave the house, etc.) so they are just right. I am futilely acting out in perfect accord with my faulty belief.
The steps have worked wonders to improve this part of my life. I now understand there are lots of things in my life I cannot manage. My faith does often wax and wane though, as I am still just human. At my best I have a deep knowing that God is with me and all is well with the world. Everything is fine regardless of what I can do or do not do to keep my life in order. Imagine that, I am not in control of the universe! Not surprisingly my fears can be stirred by failing to regularly cultivate my spirituality. It is also true that I can sometimes just have a bad day.

Yesterday was somewhere inbetween, a bad morning and playing in places inside my head that are not good for me to be. Worrying about what “I” have to accomplish and how I will not be able to get things done. It was awhile before I realized my head was dwelling on negative thoughts, which of course was stirring up plenty of bad feelings. I was thinking about all I had to get done this summer, feeling it was not possible (maybe true), and then having all kinds of resentments against my bosses (how can they be so unreasonable!). The reality is that I will get done whatever I can and I need to talk to my bosses about my concerns. They have demanded nothing, other than we talked about what we would like to get accomplished. In realizing what my head was doing I immediately began to work to change things.

Maybe the serenity prayer would help…..God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Five minutes later I realized I was back to my obsessive thinking. I stopped and took in my beautiful surroundings. A few minutes of relief and right back to the land of negativity. Whatever I tried to do to shut it off, it just would not stop.

There is a noon meeting in the city I live in and I realized it would be good for me to leave work in time to get to the meeting. I arrived just as the meeting was beginning. Some of the meeting preliminaries include asking if there is anyone who is within a few days of their last drink. Someone I knew, who had been out drinking for about six months, raised his hand and said he was just coming back. I had not even recognized him when I had sat down and looked around the room. It really made me happy to see this guy. I knew from a few reports from other people that his return to drinking had not been going very well.

When the chairperson asked if anyone had a topic I spoke up and reported what was going on with me. The meeting finished an hour later and I felt a lot better. Most of what had been said in relation to what I had shared were all things I had tried, considered, or realized while I was out in the desert trying to shut off my obsessive negative thinking. Yet hearing it again at the meeting was just what I needed. I also had a living example put in front of me of what is really important. The fellow who was returning after some hard drinking had talked about how bad it was to have gone out.

I have the day off today and feel a lot better. I called my friend that is just coming back and plan to see him at the noon meeting. I imagine things are just as they need to be in the desert this morning and hope that this proves true when I return back to work tomorrow morning.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AAblogger