Category: living sober

And for that: I am NOT responsible


photo by redjar

Anyone who is involved in getting sober in AA, and by getting sober I mean is working the steps with a sponsor and is involved in service, is familiar with our Responsibility Declaration. “I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.” This was first introduced at the 1965 International Convention. Bill W. did not write this but he did discuss it in an Grapevine article written at about the same time. The responsibility statement now shows up in every issue of the Grapevine. My purpose here today is not to get into what this concise and elegant statement means for the sober drunk. Its clear call to action, and its ability to bring together a good bit of stuff involving how we should be taking care of our business of staying sober. Instead I want to point out some things I should not worry about. Because they are none of my business and out of my control. To turn the aforementioned phrase on its head “I am Not responsible” for these things.

The ultimate outcome of any attempt I make to help someone.

I strongly believe it is important for me to try and help others. This means, for  and to me, that I take actions and have a mindset geared towards getting out of myself. There are a lot of ways I can do this but I must say I was confused for a long time about one important aspect of trying to help others. I have no say over the outcome of my actions. I really need to understand that statement.

I can have some form of what you might call expectations, provided these are useful and fit with wanting to help. For example:

  • I want to be loving because I think love has the power to change people and situations in positive ways. I can act like love has the power to create change, kind of in the same way I have faith in a higher power. This to me is a form of an expectation but it is a generalization, not a fixed thing that works when and how I want.

  • Prayers can include hopeful “wishes” for how I want things to turn out. I can pray that someone feels safe, experiences joy, is prosperous, etc.

  • I can take actions that I want to have a positive outcome. If I spend time with a person and try and help them, it may make a difference and help them to not drink. Then again it may not.

The distinction about my responsibility is that while I can work for what I think are good things, their coming to pass are simply out of my control. Love can change things but it may not, my prayers are good but I can only put them out there and making a difference in someone’s life includes their being receptive to change. And I am not responsible for seeing that my “will” in these matters comes to pass. I can only dance my dance and whatever arises from this is largely out of my grasp.

I just heard this put in another way today.

We can’t count on happy endings.

Anyone’s Actions but My Own

This is a tough one for many people. It is especially problematic in the realm of our personal relationships, particularly with non AA folks. My non alcoholic wife, a child of ours, our parents, a boss or coworker, etc. A lot of my daily problems arise from me being judgemental about how other people act. How they treat me, how they treat others, what they say or don’t say and more such things along those lines. One of my character defects is my judgement of others. My internal dialogue includes a lot of attention to this:

  • Why don’t they stop doing that to so and so
  • If they weren’t such a jerk they would not do that
  • How can he treat her so badly
  • She just doesn’t understand how much that hurts me

All of this is just self centered ego getting the best of me. And who am I to walk in my shoes and project my perspective on life onto another person? Why not instead see someone else as a person and realize they are perhaps fearful when they are not at their best. Or maybe they are struggling with themselves and others as badly as I am with myself.

In some ways the best attitude I can adopt is one of not caring, to a large degree, what others are doing (this is not always appropriate or useful). I am not responsible for them, their current situation or their actions. Again, I need to try to maintain putting my best foot forward to try to help but a lot of my mental energy in regard to others is largely wasteful and selfish.

Interestingly enough, the better I treat other people the better I get treated. The Prayer of Saint Francis, when put into action, has great potential for a lot of positive change. Acting the way the prayer directs  is not a promise for improving any particular situation though. It helps but the outcomes and changes it produces, well, “I am not responsible” for what it gets to improve. If my mindset were less on judgment and more on Saint Francis’ prayer things would be better. I’m just not able to decide how they will be better when it comes to others.

Most Things That Happen in My Life

My wife cut her finger yesterday and she needed some stitches. It took over five hours to deal with this accident. I had a bunch of plans for my day and for the most part that was not what I spent my day doing. I was not responsible for her accident but I did have a choice as to what I could do. I choose to support and take care of my wife. I was not resentful, or put off, by this turn of events. My responsibility, as I saw it, was to help take care of her and I did that.

My character defects, had they reared up, would have been to act a little pissy about the time it took to deal with what came up. What an ego I have. My pride, part of the whole ego trip, even hates to admit that I could be this petty and self centered. Yet I was able to keep away from those feeling yesterday.

It was not my fault that I was not able to carry out my precious plans yesterday. The part I could control (take care of my wife) I did and the part I could not control (I am not responsible for deciding what I will or will not be presented with in any given moment) I had to accept and just deal with.

Clarity is the Key

Humility. Gaining some perspective as to my power, influence and place in the world is tough for this alcoholic. On my own I don’t have a chance to do well in this area. The steps have helped me to learn that I can gain in my understanding through enlarging my spiritual life, helping others and by being honest with other people. It is especially important that I talk with people I trust concerning my ideas, reactions and emotions to those around me. Through this I have learned to waste less energy on things that are none of my business. How I tried to help others twenty years ago is different than was ten years ago, which in turn is different than how I do things today.

I have seen some amazingly positive changes materialize for myself and people around me.  In some cases, I have even played a role in bringing this about. I have also seen a lot of less than great results, or at least that was my reaction to what I saw, heard or experienced.

I have no idea about how I have played a part in other situations that are removed from my previous involvement. Maybe I should tell the story sometime about the man under the bed. It explains how I need to try to help others and that you largely never know what you might do to help someone else.

I can try to help others, I can try to improve my own conditions and actions, I can work to enlarge my own spiritual life – those are the kinds of things I am responsible for. All the rest is not up to me and is largely none of my business.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Getting out, physically and figuratively

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

Last Sunday I got away from myself. Finally. I have been living in fear and letting it run my life. I’m twenty one years sober – and still human. How did I get away? By literally getting away from my house.

I currently live in a place that is about a two hour ride from where I used to live a few years ago. I had a two year interval where I was far away from this area, then moved to where I am now.

I have friends, old sponsees and old sponsors that still live there in this place that really is not that far away. I am a bit of a mess in my present home town. I moved here, blew out my back, went to Australia for a few months, got married, changed jobs, lost my job, and more. Lots of life stuff and in my humanity I have not gotten well connected with AA here. That list is just what it is. A list of excuses I could use to say why I have just been to busy to find a home group, work with others, and all that stuff I have been taught can be vital to my sobriety. The bottom line is I have not been doing what I need to do to keep my self as safe as possible.

With a bunch of fear building up (me, in my head, that is), I decided I finally needed to go see folks that I know and that know me. Of course it was fabulous. I am so grateful that these people are there and that they have remained sober. I took a lot of strength and joy from seeing these people. What they have become, what they have created around them and how they are dealing with the everyday problems of living, and living sober.

I do not have that kind of connection with people here. I can bitch and moan about it, or go to more meetings and talk to people. Shake hands, get and give numbers, go to coffee, call people, give people rides, and on and on.

I was driving home from my visit to see my old friends and was listening to an inspirational talk. One of the ideas being talked about was something I had either never thought about in the way it was presented or just never needed to hear about before in the way it was discussed. Basically it was talking about how we are who we are in part because of our background or as the speaker said “our edges.” If I only see the dimension of me, separate from my background, then I am not seeing me. Because part of who I am is where I grew up, my actions and reactions to those who raised and were raised with me, my experiences, my culture, etc. Without having some sense of those things I am ill defined.

The thing that smashed down on me when I was thinking about this? When I am as cut off as I am from an AA network that is in my life – going to more than a meeting every week or two, talking and knowing more people in my immediate AA community, trying to hold my hand out and praying more for the opportunity to help and work with others – then I flatten myself out into a very dimensionless me. I lose sight of so much of my background and all the rest of the things that are a part of me. Kind of like I can’t see the forest for the trees.

An example is the easy adjustments that come from attending a meeting. Someone sobbing because they can’t stay sober. Someone talking about hell in having gone back out. Someone talking about an amazing insight they had when making an amends. Someone talking about being there for their spouse as their partner was dying of cancer. I need to hear and feel these things to keep me to wrapped up in myself. There is a bigger world out there and I am a part of it. Me and God, hanging out in a figurative closet, just don’t have as much of a clue about this when I sit at home to much. Brooding about my lack of income, my inability to contribute at the moment to the finances of my family and lots more. God’s power, grace, strength, compassion and lots more is presented with more clarity to me when I am not so wrapped up in myself. This in turn cranks up my faith, love, tolerance and joy of living.

So I know what I need to do more of. I have know for awhile. I just haven’t acted. As the self-help folks or motivational speakers might say, the time to act is now!

Hopefully I have sat in my own shit for long enough.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

The Last Words I Ever Say


photo GiselaGiardino

Does it matter what you say? No it doesn’t, as long as you do not care about the words you use or the thoughts you express.

Not thinking about my actions is old school bullshit. And my actions include what I have to say. Living as an active alcoholic, I largely said what I thought would help me the most. The problem with this was my thoughts were based on immature, self-centered ideas that were largely devoid of any wisdom. I became good at lying to myself and others. I wouldn’t say words became cheap, but they increasingly become less concerned about anyone elses’ welfare. Words were very valuable and useful to me. I used them to help me get what I wanted. And getting what I needed was of the ultimate importance in my increasingly narcissistic world.

Getting sober it was important to learn and practice being honest. No more lying, at least all the time – I think it is extremely rare that anyone becomes totally honest and I am still no saint. I made dramatic progress in being more careful about what I said to people. I, like any sobering drunks, even took pride in my new found ability to act so righteously – I was not always lying most of the time!

This was a great achievement in light of where my actions had been when I was drinking. Yet this could not be the end of my working on how I talk to other people. Many children begin to mature by rising to the level I had now achieved. Therefore I had achieved parity in my communication skills with someone half my age.

Words have power. They can express intent, emotion, and suggest future possibilities. Being positive, loving, and optimistic is a far cry from being judgmental, angry and despairing. My state of mind and my words have real power to influence both how I feel and how people I interact with feel. If I am in a foul mood, I may talk in a gloomy manner. This in turn can make me feel depressed. I think you can also appreciate it can be unnerving to be around someone in a foul mood. The opposite is of course true too. Through prayer and practice I can work at being more positive and upbeat in my thoughts and actions. It can be inspiring to be around someone who is upbeat, full of love, and has that special spiritual gleam in their eye.

Working on what I have to say to others is an extremely important part of improving myself. The side effects are of course momentous. What I put out to the world tends to come back to me tenfold. The Prayer of St. Francis offers but one way of focusing on working towards making my actions more positive.

I’m sure most of what I have already said makes sense to a sober drunk. Lets though take this out of an abstract form of thinking about such things. Here is a story to help you focus and think about why it may matter what you say and why you should care how you interact with other people. I think this might have a bigger impact in driving home what I am trying to convey.

A young girl was on the train to Auschwitz, and yes it was during that horrible time. The train was on its way to the death camp. This teenage girl was with her eight year old brother. He sat next to her on the train. They had already been separated from their parents. She looked down and noticed her brother’s shoes were gone. Her reaction was to be upset and she scolded him. In a loud and forceful tone. “Why are you so stupid, can’t you keep your things together?”

These words turned out to be that last she ever spoke to her brother. Soon thereafter they were separated and never saw each other again. He did not survive the camp.

When she walked out of Auschwitz, a rare survivor, she made a decision. She vowed to never say anything that couldn’t stand as the last thing she ever said.

This story is from a talk given by Benjamin Zander. He is an impassioned and positive person, that feels strongly about teaching people to appreciate classical music. He is a conductor but he also gives talks, and speaks to people, all over the world. You can see one of these talks here.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

21

Today is the 21st anniversary of my sobriety. Amazing!


photo Jessica Driver

It is still chilling to remember this time, twenty-one years ago now, and what that was like. I so fervently hope I never have to feel and experience most of what happened, and how I felt then, ever again.

The ironic thing is in the midst of all of what happened I had a profound spiritual experience.  During the fleeting few minutes that it occurred I was more at peace than I have ever been in my life. It was a palpable ease and lightness. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like I was sitting in the palm of God’s hand – and I knew it. That explanation of what it was like though is all retrospective in that I didn’t even believe in God then. I had no idea what had happened was a spiritual experience, or what that meant, or how deeply I had been changed. The immediate benefit was a sense that I knew I could not drink or drug anymore and, as I was to discover, the obsession had been lifted from me. That was of course good.

The few minutes of intense peace I had that night were framed by strange and very opposite feelings and experiences. I had just been revived, through someone giving me CPR, and I had been gone. Dead. The three people around me were very freaked out – yet I was fully enveloped in a feeling of total peace. I could not figure out why they looked so pained and worried. I knew everything was more than all right. Why didn’t they know this too? Everything was fine now and into the future.

Then my few minutes of having my senses about me in a way I never had before, and in someways have never had since, ended. The ambulance, the hospital, a night in intensive care. Not fun. The sense of peace was long gone.

My first sober day was spent in the hospital. Horrible. I laid there and thought about how badly I had failed in life. How could I live now that I could no longer drink or drug? Like it says in the Big Book – I could not imagine life with or without it. I felt so much fear, self-loathing, guilt, and remorse. It was numbing, like a huge weight bearing down on me.

Easily the most horrible day of my life, that day in the hospital. It was my nadir. I could not know it would mark the beginning of my ascent from hell back into the land of the living. Sane, spiritual, love-filled living. Something that bears no likeness to the mess that my old life was.

It is easy to imagine that my old self died when I died that night. But it didn’t. A different me was forged from that experience, along with the Grace I was given by having some powerful changes take place in my attitude and outlook. Yet the old me is only an elbow’s reach away. I have no doubt. Despite all the blessings, good people around me today, the tools I have at my disposal, God in my life, and all the rest – I could still be right back into that dark despair and fear in no time at all.

It would only take me taking a drink….one is never enough for me….and I left off at a place that when I drank I had no idea what was going to happen. Other than what did happen was more and more consistently something unpleasant, bad, and unsustainable. Stuff like dying. That is what awaits me. Any day, any year that I want to pick up again. It doesn’t matter when. My guess is that old me will only be able to give up waiting for me to drink again when I do die, and stay dead, at some point in the future.

Today I can feel especially grateful that God, AA, my friends and family, and other things have all helped me continually kick that old me into the gutter and keep him out of my way. It is so nice to live, have normal living problems, and have love be a part of my life.

So good to be sober!

Wishing you all the best in your sobriety,
AA blogger

Love and Marriage

For those not in the know, the title of this post is the name of a Frank Sinatra song. One of the many songs that were played at my wedding last month. The marriage and the celebration were a wonderful affair. I am still bowled over by so many things that were a part of this weekend. The gathering, ceremony, and celebration provided me with a lot of opportunity to reflect on my life and my current circumstances. The bottom line is am tremendously blessed.

There are so many things I want to write about that this will need to be a post of many parts.

Lets start with my bride and how getting married to her makes me reflect on relationships, attraction, and having good people in my life.

I am, quite frankly, pretty amazed at my wife’s personality and what I think of as her soul. She is a genuinely sweet and good person. I rarely see her get angry and I believe this emotional reaction is just not something she has ever cared to resort to. Her experiences in her family life and with her friends is quite unlike my own. In her immediate family there is is not any alcoholism or addiction and her parents are decent folks that have worked hard to do the best they can for their children. Most of her friends, many of which she has known for many years, are good, interesting, and bright people.

My brides life has not been sheltered and all sweetness though – she has seen others in her extended family and some of her friends go through all kinds of struggles that we in recovery find par for the course of life – mental illness, addiction, etc. My wife also had brain surgery a few years before I met her. My perception is that her experiencing some unpleasant parts of life have given her a good dose of humility and perhaps a greater appreciation for life itself.

There is more to this picture I am painting but the outlines provide an image I am trying to present – my wife has not become who she is in a way that resembles my own path. I have spent twenty years aspiring to be healthier, happier, more positive, more caring, and more of the person I should be. The change in my life has been dramatic. She, on the other hand, has had a lot of good qualities in spades and as far as I can tell is still improving in many areas that I think she already does pretty well with.

The point of all this is that for me I am just floored that my working at my sobriety has allowed me to attract such a wonderful person into my life. I have been very conscious of and learned a lot about where I am at and how I am doing by paying attention to the people I have around me. As an active drunk I neither really cared for nor seemed to seek out these kinds of people. It used to be stressful to be around decent people, for me and for them.

My first sober relationship was very interesting. I grew and learned a lot from that experience. I was also very fortunate that all the insanity it supported and fostered drove me deeper into my program rather than justifying going back to drinking. I did a lot of wrong things in that relationship. I also know enough today to see that similar situations I have seen others gone through have gone either way – many end up drinking again but a few get back into working the AA program. Anyway that first sober relationship was crazy but it simply was what it was. In part it reflected who I was and where I was at. Just as the drunken relationships I had had before were with other insane people and were a similar mirror.

Another aspect of all this is that I have become a decent person that my wife and her parents want to have in their lives. They are in fact pleased to have me become a part of their family. I have self-worth, respect, and dignity today. Years ago I would have thought this was amazing and that I was somehow reaching beyond who I was – almost as if I was just lucky to have landed where I have. This is just not true for me today.

When I was getting sober and working the steps that allowed me to “clean house,” I was led to see that my morals and actions were incongruent. There were some beliefs I had that were good ideas but they were not really guiding my behavior. I also held conflicting ideas that made no sense when placed side by side with one another. So I was taught, and practiced, and learned from experience what being decent is all about. It is really gratifying to know I do not need to act like a nut and that I really don’t want to anyway. I usually have a pretty good idea of what the right thing to do is whenever life challenges me (“we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us”)  and I can even act accordingly a lot of  the time. While I had no conception of this twenty years ago, this way of living is great and can create the very situation where I can get married to a wonderful woman with a nice family.

Saturday August 9, 2008

In one week I will be getting married. I’m forty-three and so glad I waited this long – first I needed to find God, then find myself, and then find the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. I don’t see anything wrong with having things be different for other people. For me this is what had to happen. I simply could not see me with someone as wonderful as my wife to be is had I thought I needed to get married – in essence, forced my hand – sometime before it was time for me to meet her. I do believe I needed to become so much better and healthy to be able to attract someone with her personality and qualities.

I’m reaping a lot of benefits from pushing myself to go to more meetings (and why should this be any kind of remarkable revelation?). I am meeting AA people around where I live, getting phone numbers, speaking up and out about what I think and feel about AA, and even getting some surprises. Yesterday I man that seemed vaguely familiar. In other words I know I have seen him a few times around the rooms. He came up to me after the meeting and said “hey short timer.” I was puzzled and said so. He said, well you are getting married next week, right? I was stunned. I had only mentioned my upcoming marriage once in meetings around here and it was weeks ago. This man not only remembered but he kindly, in a friendly sort of teasing way, wanted to acknowledge this big event in my life. I did ask him his name and I am sure I will not forget it.

Here I am sober twenty years. And it touches my heart that someone remembered me, had listened to what I said, and was thoughtful enough to say hi to me in the way he did. I have felt for a long time that it is so important how you act and treat other people. It is none of my business how I help or do not help someone. It is important that I try to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, and so on. My now new friend had no idea that I was going to have such a positive reaction to his being nice to me but he was just being nice anyway. And in doing so he made my day.

Be well,

AA Blogger

AA 101 – prayer

I had a big problem. My uncle has been dying of cancer for awhile. A few weeks ago he was told he could not be treated anymore as there was no use in doing so. My father talked to me the other day and told me I should call him. The unspoken part of the conversation, which I only recognized a few minutes after I got off the phone, was that my Uncle does not have long to live (this post is not about how no one in my family ever talks directly about things, as if it might keep something bad or sad from happening if it isn’t stated).

I feel fortunate I had seen this uncle about out a month ago even though he lives hundreds of miles from me.

The next day I agonized over picking up the phone. I can’t recall the last time I called this uncle on the phone so the whole thing was strange to begin with. I of course was mightily uncomfortable with the idea of what to say to someone who is not far from death. Goodbye? Sorry? I hope your Ok? I talked to my fiancee about my dilemma. I was fishing for someone or something to save me from something I was scared to do. It was this last thought that saved me and helped me to dip into my AA toolbox.

There is nothing I need to be ready to say, or can say, to deal with the real enormity of what is going on with him. I simply needed to ask God for help to have the courage to pick up the phone and to ask for guidance in saying whatever was appropriate.

I picked up the phone right away, dialed his number (my Uncle’s of course, I don’t have God’s number in my speed dial), and he answered the phone. We talked for about 5 minutes. During our conversation I was able to tell him that I had heard he was not doing well and that he was in my thoughts and prayers. It was a surprisingly light conversation. I of course felt much more comfortable than I would have thought. I got off the phone and cried. As I am doing in writing about this phone conservation.

I am grateful to have been graced with the courage to call. I felt better for having had this experience. My uncle was sincerely happy to hear from me and seemed touch that I called.

It still amazes me that I can so easily tap into a power that can have me go beyond my simple set of conceptions that set off fear, retreat, and shying away from doing the right thing. Left to my own devices I used to always miss my chances to act responsibly. I lacked the wisdom and self assurance to reach out to others with love. Such behavior, I have come to learn, is living in a way that is like trying to grow a plant without water.

The strangeness of feeling grateful for being able to handle dying, death, and sad events is something I have gotten used to over the years. There are many situations that come up as part of being responsible adult that leave me and plenty of others feeling like “what I am supposed to do here!” and “I don’t want this to be happening!” Getting through those situations – by facing up to them, feeling humbled by playing my part and role in whatever I am supposed to be doing, and even feeling grateful since I know I never would have been able to do such things before – is a much better way to live.

Wishing you the best in sobriety,

AA Blogger

A lack of meetings

I have been having trouble getting to meetings with any regularity for some time now.

My list of excuses has three main themes. Together they form a set of ideas that have real power to keep me away from meetings. The reality is that this is just silly drivel that seemingly justifies not getting myself out of the house and into the proverbial chair I have paid such a high price to earn.

Here are the big three:

  • I don’t know many people/meetings here – I moved to my present house about 9 months ago but have been coming and going (foreign and domestic trips, from months to weeks at a time) so much that I still feel like I just moved here.
  • I am so busy – My main work, my upcoming marriage, developing my own business.
  • My back issues – It had been real uncomfortable, for much of the time I have been in my new home location, to get around and even to sit down.

All of this may be true but it is pretty weak. I am a drunk and if I want to remain a sober one then my alcoholism and God need to be my two biggest priorities. One outward sign of this commitment to keeping- my-ducks-in-a-row is attending meetings. Going to meetings is really so easy – it should be a no brainer. It can also serve as a serious underpinning of supporting so many other things I can do to maintain my sobriety. Meetings will of course not keep me sober but can help me, and allow me to help other people, in a a myriad of ways.

Another part of this is how easy it truly can be for me to get to a meeting where I now live. I am just outside of a major U.S. city. There are many meetings within miles of my house that are taking place morning, noon, and night.

One of my old sponsees, now living in another part of the country, pointed something out to me about my not attending many meetings. He said I was able to begin to help him because I consistently attended my home group. After watching and listening to me this fellow showed up at that meeting one day and asked me to sponsor him. If I wasn’t there I never would have been given the gift of helping to take him through the steps, to see him get sober, and to remain a part of his still improving life. I know from experience with him and with others that being so deeply involved in someone’s recovery is one of the most gratifying experiences I can have. So why go to few meetings and decrease my chances of connect with new people?

Another aspect of this is I need to be much more active in getting out to help others. It is one thing to be at meetings and somewhat passively attract others to the idea of being sober. The steps have taught me I need to be proactive in spreading the news about recovery from alcoholism. I need to get plugged into and become part of that group of local AA folks that are doing the real AA footwork – going out on the front lines of alcoholism, as the big book puts it. I’ll come across these dedicated people at meetings. They are not going to show up at my doorstep while I’m sitting at home working on my next big project.

So let this post serve as a warning and sounding shot – to me! Get off my rump and go claim my seat. Find out who I need to be around to best position myself to find the next poor drunk that needs God to work through me (or perhaps that poor, newly sober bastard needs to teach me a thing or two!). Get back in a position to be able to tell folks what this program of action has to offer. Find more like minded friends and once again be a part of a fellowship I enjoyed in those places where I was more a part of AA, rather than the newly sober drunk or the new guy in town.

Last week was a good start. Three meetings, rather than one or none. I need to build on that but realize a new week is beginning. The here and now is what matters.