Category: spirituality

The Good Life

Yesterday morning I went to see my doctor about a number of health problems. Individually my physical challenges generally do not ruin my day. Some of these problems are more serious than others though and I do have to be careful with how I deal with how my health influences my mental, physical, and spiritual state. One easy check against my getting into self-pity or fear about this stuff is to recognize that the only reason I am able to get older and face some of these physical problems is because God and AA were able to help me quit drinking. I could be dead and not be blessed with an opportunity to experience any part of my life, good or bad.

Anyway, in seeing my doctor I had to deal with all my big and small health issues all at once. Then I went to work and dealt with my responsibilities there. It was a little bit of a stressful day but nothing extraordinary. In the early evening I left work, riding my bicycle, and got on my way to my step study meeting. It is my longest ride of the week, about 45 minutes. I ride right through downtown Houston and through a lot of different neighborhoods. Run down, downtown, upscale, you name it. After riding for awhile I was able, without really thinking about it, to shed my more harried work state-of-mind and get more in tune with being in the moment. I was able to just observe the traffic, smell whatever odors were wafting through the air, and notice the trees that I was riding past.

Getting more in tune with the here and now, I became aware that I seemed to be feeling a bit glum. In thinking about why this might be I realized that seeing my doctor had made more worried, which in turn had led me to be fearful. I had also been diligently working hard on a project at work that had been keeping me very busy for days. This was becoming increasingly problematic because the project I was working on only had a small chance of bearing any useful fruit. The more time I was spending on that task, the more aggravated I was becoming.

Both of these insights into my mental and emotional life were somewhat surprising but I saw them in more of an abstract rather than emotional way. With this detached point of view I was able to see that my work problem was kind of like an extension of my spiritual life. I had been operating on faith that my work of the last few days was what I needed to be doing. I simply needed to finish it, let it be what it would, and not be attached to the outcome. I instantly felt much better about that situation.

The problems concerning my health were just as simple. It was clear to me that going to the doctor and talking about my health had stirred up my emotions. There are fears I can easily fall into when I am not careful about dealing with issues surrounding my mortality, well being, and everyday comfort. In the end I can either give into the fear and let it get the best of me or I can decide my sense of what I see as my suffering is something I can choose not to dwell on. Faith or fear, the choice is always mine to make. I choose to recognize and be grateful for: my doctor being very helpful, that I have health insurance, that there are actions I can take to try to improve my situation, and that right now my physical problems are relatively minor. They might be worse tomorrow, when my jobs end in June I may no longer have health insurance, etc. but I should deal with those things when they happen.

For now I think I am just glad to be sober.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Virtue

I needed to learn a lot about discipline and courage when I was first getting sober. It was not that I did not know anything about these two things, I just had no notion of being virtuous. The same could be said about what I knew and acted on in regards to many other things like respect, responsibility, etc.

Learning to carry out my actions in accord with what I have come to understand as being moral, or good, or righteous is one of the most important lessons the steps have taught me. To put some of what I will be writing about in context I should
start by presenting an explanation of what virtue means to some:

1. What is virtue? A virtue is the habit of doing good.
2. Why do we say virtue is a habit? It is a firm attitude. It is a way of life. It governs our actions. It guides our conduct by thinking and by faith.
3. How does virtue help us? Virtue brings joy. It helps us govern ourselves. It brings comfort and peace.
4. How do I learn virtue? I pray for the virtue. I learn about virtue. I practice virtue. I follow through and I stick with it. I am not a moral quitter.

These ideas offer an interesting counter to how I practiced, say, courage and discipline in my life before I got sober.

First in regards to courage. It is said that courage is not an absence of fear but a willingness to walk through your fear. I would do a lot of things I was really afraid to do in order to get, or to make sure I would have the means to get, alcohol and drugs. I don’t need to go into a long drunkalogue about all that other than to say that my actions included doing some things that were obviously foolish and dangerous. At times I literally risked my life to get what I so strongly desired. My actions were at times courageous but they were not virtuous. Little of what I did was carried out with any intent to help others nor would it enable me to gain anything that was truly good. I got some relief but little else.

I also became increasingly craven in facing situations that were much more important than finding another drink. These other situations were no less scary to me than those “gotta-get-that-drink” actions I courageously walked through. I would do what it took to get another drink but would run as far and fast as I could from real life. For instance I found it increasingly difficult to have honest conversations with others, let alone be proactive and take simple steps like asking someone for help with something I did not know about. The proverbial “they” might think I was dumb, or weak, or not able to take care of myself. So I would drive through a snowstorm to get to the liquor store or walk through a bad part of the South Bronx but I was afraid to let someone I knew help me with even the most trivial thing.

I could also go on about how much discipline I could sometimes muster. This was of course usually directed towards my slavish desire to be able to drink and drug like I wanted to. I could wait for hours for a dealer, would be obstinate about getting my way if it meant I could drink like I wanted, and would do all kinds of things that only made sense to a deluded fool like myself.

Things changed when they absolutely had to for me. Self preservation was a big part of this, for sure, but I finally acted out of (my normally bad) character and did something good for a change. I did not want to get over on anyone, have someone take care of things for me, or any of that when I asked for help on that first day I started on this journey of sobriety.

I learned about being less self-centered and more virtuous out of necessity. This came to me through an experience called working the 12 steps. Not that I wanted to learn these lessons….as it says in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions: Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A.’s message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn’t care for this prospect – unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.

I was told I should work the steps and by taking the actions they required I began to experience how my life could be different. Low and behold acting virtuously held rewards that my immoral, unrighteous mind would not have thought possible. I learned to apply some of the courage and discipline I had used to get another drink to other actions. Doing what the steps called no matter what, for instance, and instead of running from facing my life being courageous and walking through my fear.

I had no idea that I was learning to be virtous in those days but boy how things have changed. The clueless, spiritually-bereft person that I once was now only exists as a small withered part of me. That fool that I once was could become strong again if I start drinking again, I am sure, but today he is overshadowed by other parts of me that I have nurtured through practicing being virtuous.
Today I am guided by spiritual principles and understand that striving to live right can be both challenging and rewarding. I can read about virtue and want my life to be more infused with morality than to want to protect and staunchly defend some of my less noble motivations. Even so, I still have plenty of the latter, despite a lot of effort taken over the past nineteen years. Fortunately I can also see that I have come a long way in my life, in how I understand myself, in how I handle myself, in what motivates me, and in how I act. One day at a time I can work at being full of things such as hope, faith, and love, with an understanding of what these actually mean, and move closer to person I want to be.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

I should mention the numbered bullets above that I used to define virtue are borrowed from “A Brief Catechism on Virtue.” While I do not belong to the Catholic church, I find the information on this page to be profoundly helpful in working the eleventh step.

Fear, inventory, and insight

One of my most persistent problems is a seeming reluctance to bring the spiritual principles I have learned to some areas of my work life. It has been frustrating because while I am well aware that this is a problem, my progress in this area has been slow and plodding. I know the twelfth step instructs me to apply the principles I have learned in all my affairs and it is clear my life would improve greatly if I could let God into this part of my life more.

I believe I bear the brunt of my problem the most when I am working on my own projects. Interactions with others at work are not the issue, just my perceptions of how some off these interactions may work out. Getting my work done and my fears associated with this process are the crux of the matter.

I feel like I made a big breakthrough the other day, getting some amazing insight into my fear. Here is the story of how this came about and my reactions.

Two people I used to work with are currently at odds. One is a boss and the other is a hired hand. I do not like the boss very much, considering he is self-centered and can be quite inconsiderate. It is sad because he has lots of “isms” but since he is not a drunk, he does not have an outlet for getting any relief from himself! When I did work with this man on a daily basis I had to do what I was taught; see him as a sick person, treat him as I would a sick friend, and pray that I could be of service to him in the best way possible. My interactions with him presented many opportunities for growth. This fellow is currently driving this other person to their wits end because as he falls into fearful, manic states – and he is apparently in the midst of a bad one now – he viciously takes things out on those around him.

My problem was I had a lot of anger come up when I heard about this situation. In inventorying about this anger it was not a surprise to find that part of the problem was I did not like what this jerk was doing to this other person, whom I happen to like. The interesting part came when I tried to understand not only my current anger but how this fellow had made me angry in the past, especially when we were around each other on a fairly regular basis.

I discovered that a type of fear I have noticed comes up from time to time for me plays a lot bigger role in my work life than I had ever imagined. It comes down to this: I am afraid that I will do something wrong in my work, that it will be readily apparent to someone else, and that I will be rejected because of my mistake. Low self-esteem and a fear I won’t be accepted. This man I was angry at is unreasonable, negative, and most importantly strongly tweaked my fear because he is capable of finding fault where there is none. This magnified my problem and made me react very negatively.

One character defects that arises when I get caught up in my work related fear is to work more. That will fix it! Me, me, me….what a horrible solution and yet I have done this many a time.

The answer to my problem is spelled out, quite concisely, in the part of the the big book where it explains how to take inventory. A paragraph that comes right after discussing how we examine our fears (we asked ourselves why we had them – wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?):
“Perhaps there is a better way – we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely upon Him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity.”

It goes on to talk about how we do not need to make any excuses for relying upon God. Then:
“We ask him to remove our fear and to direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we begin to outgrow fear.”
I find it very interesting that the prayer is one of asking what we should “be” rather than what we should do.

In the end this issue for me comes down to a lack of faith. I know I have not be able to bring God into my work problems very much. After talking to someone about my inventory concerning these issues, I thankfully had it pointed out to me this leads right into sixth and seventh step work…..am I ready for give God all of my crap or are there things I am unwilling to let go of? Why I would want to keep this fear is not something I can put my finger on but clearly I have been holding onto it. My hope is that it is time for me to get rid of this idea that I am not, or perhaps will not be perceived as, good enough.

I am excited that this revelation may be the beginning of me getting on the other side of this weakening, self-centered delusion. I know from experience that when I am able to let go of something that causes me larger problems there are surprising and wonderful results that arise from completely letting go and letting God.

It works, it really does.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger

Eleventh Step Prayer

The Prayer of St Francis

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

The great I meets the more powerful we

The first AA meeting I attended had the steps posted on the wall. I read them, as this was about the most comfortable thing I could do. I did not want to talk with or look at anyone. It may have been that very day but if not, it was within my first few meetings, that I realized what these “12 steps” were all about. I had never heard about them, or AA, before this. I immediately realized I could never do the steps. I arrived at meetings as an atheist but surprisingly it wasn’t God that was standing in my way. It was steps five and nine. I knew that I could never tell someone else the true nature of all my wrongs and I could never make amends to even some of the people I harmed.

I was absolutely right. I never did the fifth step and I did not make amends. As a drunk I am of course stricken with a bad case of self-centeredness. There are so many things I cannot do. Like quit drinking. I believed God did not exist therefore it was not possible for me to even guess that I could be provided with enough guidance, strength, and courage to do many things with God’s help that I could not do on my own.

The island that was the great “I” slowly become part of the “we” that Alcoholics Anonymous tells us about. I would occasionally speak up at a meeting. I started to talk with people before and after the meeting (babble on my part, lots of patience and tolerance from someone else!). I asked someone to sponsor me and this man got me started on working the steps. This led to my trying to pray and working on forming a relationship with a power greater than myself….that I totally did not understand.

I was told to work on one step at a time. Don’t worry about those I haven’t done yet. That was fine until I got to step four. Now I could think of nothing but step five – it was coming up right after four!!!!! I thought there was no way I could go through with it so I procrastinated. I was finally forced into one of those put up or I-might-as-well-go-get-drunk places. I had a really, really bad day, went to a meeting, and was too scared and disturbed to talk to someone afterwards. I was a mess as I was driving home. I was thinking how bad it was that I couldn’t ask for help at an AA meeting, which was one of few places I knew was a safe refuge for me. I realized I was screwed up in ways that needed to get straightened out or I was sure to drink again. It dawned on me that taking the fourth step inventory might help in figuring out what was wrong with me. Of course I had read and heard this before but now it made sense and might even be something that was necessary. The fifth step be damned – I had to try to work on step four.

The next morning I prayed for God to help me and within a few minutes my list was started. That experience, and a few others that had come before, provided me with enough faith to eventually have the courage to take my fifth step. My sponsor and God were in the room with me while my sponsor talked me through telling him what was written in my inventory. We did my fifth step, not the great “I” that was incapable of taking this action.

As I made my way through the steps my sponsor eventually helped me to work up a plan of action for making my amends. My first was to be to my mother. I found myself sitting at her kitchen table one day, scared as to what would come of trying to make amends. We were having a normal conversation – as I had not specifically told her I needed to talk to her about making amends – but I just couldn’t begin to do what I needed to. I eventually got up and told her I was going for a walk outside. I made my way to a place where I could sit on a bench and there I began to pray for help, courage, and the words I needed to say. I got up after a few minutes, walked back, and made my amend. Just like my fifth step, there were two people and God there for this. My mother was not as concerned with past events as I was, and just wanted me to be well, happy, and sober. A loving response and very consistent with how my mother always acted towards me. It of course made no sense that I expected this experience was going to be very bad.

While it was not easy to make my amends, for whatever reason getting through that first one proved to be the biggest hurdle. I now knew I needed God there with me as I made each amend. A prayer was all that was necessary to make sure I was not alone.

The steps have changed me into a different man than I was, have taught me how to find the strength and courage to carry out many worthwhile actions that I would be incapable of on my own. I am glad to be a “part of” rather than the the island I once felt it was so important to be.

Wishing you all the best in sobriety,
AABlogger